Emotional highs and lows

Rob and I stayed up and talked through whatever was on last night - Rob went up after weather and I found Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion was one. I don't think I shared this before but long story shorter is that this movie came out a bit before Rob and I got married and there is a dance scene towards the end of the movie involving Romy, Michelle and Sandy (the boy who loved Michelle all during school and came to the reunion to find her). Jo and I were pretty much convinced that we needed to re-create that dance at my wedding with Rob - it is silly, bizarre and we were young(er). Jo and I practiced but never were able to get all the details down - I tried to get Jo to practice again when she married Ole but Jo came up with a plethora of excuses. Fast forward to the night before my surgery where Jo texted me "Whoo! Watch out Tucson! Here we come." "LOL." I texted back asking if she was drinking and No I had no clue where that was from. We texted back and forth for over an hour with Romy & Michelle quotes - I knew she was trying to take my mind off things but all I could do was cry. Any ways - I watched our movie last night and tried to commit to memory every line in the movie.
It was a big day here - Nick's first day of preschool and my follow up with Dr. Marsh. We all got dressed and Ellie went off to the bus stop. Nick watched Curious George until it was time to leave for school. He kept asking if I would come in with him and I kept saying we would have to see what other Mommy's were doing (knowing full well I was driving and not getting out of my seat and Rob was going to take him in).We got to school and luckily there were no free parking spots and we had to pull up in the circle and I told him I was going to have to stay in the car since I wasn't parked. Mrs. Dunham whisked him in and got him instantly involved in activity. Rob and I took advantage of our free time and went grocery shopping.
Ellie has "Around the World in 80 Minutes" next week - basically a parent represents each of the 7 continents either with food, artifacts, stories or music. I said I would volunteer to do Europe since that is the majority of our ancestry. I was able to pick up pretzel crackers from Germany and cheese tortellini at the store and we still will get French bread and cheese and chocolate from Poland. I figure I am not the only parent from Europe and I don't need to be super outgoing out of guilt. Rob and I came home and put the groceries away and were able to relax and read the newspaper - it was odd.
We went to pick up Nick - I got out of the car this time. They were having circle time outside and before Nick even saw me or the car he was standing up asking to get his coat on and then once he saw me he tried to skip out on circle time. He had good stories and thoughts about his first day - he didn't say he was never going back and I didn't cry. I had a special first day of school present - a wooden Henry train and tender for his Thomas set. We came home and had ice cream before lunch to celebrate - Nick couldn't even finish his before he was upstairs playing with his trains.
I left for my Dr. Marsh appointment at Kellogg. I got there and checked in and headed upstairs to wait until Margaret came to get me. It was a long appointment because I turned into an emotional wreck. It started out ok - Margaret weighed me - I have lost 3 pounds since surgery but I am 3 pounds heavier than when I weighed myself last week. Margaret asked how things have been since the hospital and then told me she has discussed my compezine reaction with many nurses and doctors in the past couple weeks and no one had ever heard of the spasms going on for as long as they did or that benadryl alone didn't fix it. I reminded her that Rob had just said in the car today that I am the 1% (meaning if there is a 1% chance something will go wrong or have an adverse reaction I am the 1%). I asked about the study that was just released today in the Cancer Journal involving mice being given fish oil (in high and low doses) and the mice having rapidly spreading colon cancer in weeks. Margaret hadn't heard of the study yet but was pretty certain that it couldn't be right since so many people take some form of fish oil and there hasn't been a pandemic colon cancer effect. I know I am still trying to blame something for my cancer but I do think it is a bit fishy (hahaha) that I started taking a fish oil supplement for the first time when I was pregnant with Nick and then continued to take a supplement while breastfeeding Nick - all in all about 2 years or so ending the supplement around the same time as my "symptoms" really started.
Margaret started talking about the port procedure and beginning chemo and I informed her I would really like to start chemo after November 13th - the Girls on the Run 5K. This would be the initial break down point. I told Margaret I was positive thinking about the colo-ring and its disappearance before my appointment on Monday. She wasn't aware of the colo-ring and I said it even showed up in my chest x-ray. Margaret pulled up my x-ray and sure enough there in my pelvis is a ring. I did read on the website that most rings naturally fall out between 7-10 days pot-op. Margaret did give me a good laugh when she asked if I was certain it was still "installed" and I said I couldn't be certain because I hadn't really been digging around. Margaret went and got Dr. Marsh who came in with his small talk about how things have been but quickly jumped into chemo. In his medical opinion I should get the port installed and start chemo between 6-8 weeks post-op (meaning the next two weeks). He explained how if there are any cancer cells in me they won't be sleeping - they will be multiplying. I really broke down - I am talking 3 additional weeks. I asked him his thoughts of me starting xeloda again in the interim - a though he hadn't had and low and behold a compromise. He could only give me whole figures - in a group of 1,000 people answers - well unless he could tell me for certain that those 3 weeks were going to take years away from me I am willing to compromise.
Dr. Marsh questioned the xeloda and if that wouldn't have the same effects as IV chemo - wouldn't I be tired, run-down - I said I didn't know because I have only had it in tandem with radiation but I was willing to try. Dr. Marsh gave me some more pathology related info - my original tumor was 10 cm in length and was 2.5 cm at surgery removal. He said that if I would have had surgery the week of diagnosis that possibly as many as 20-25 lymph nodes would have been cancerous. This provided proof that 6 weeks of pre-op chemo and radiation did work but also proof that this cancer was aggressive since it was still present. Dr. Marsh checked me out an said everything looked and sounded good.
I will have a post-op CT scan on Monday and I will feel much more confident about my decision to put IV chemo off for a month if the scan shows nothing - as it should. Pending the ok from Dr. Muldoon on Monday, I will begin xeloda on Tuesday for 2 weeks. I will get my port put in the first week of November and start folfox6 (my chemo cocktail of Leucovorin, 5-FU (which is the medical name for xeloda) and Oxaliplatin). The infusions will take place on Tuesdays and will take 4-5 hours and the 5-FU remains as an active infusion for 46 hours then I come back in and they remove it on Thursday. I will have 8 infusions over 4 months.
I left the hospital and couldn't stop crying the entire way home - it is a bunch to think about and then I keep thinking how Dr. Marsh has always explained my journey as a sledding hill - the first phase is the worse and then you just coast down the hill but I am feeling like I a climbing that hill. The pre-op chemo and radiation were apiece of cake compared to the hospital mess and I am just so un-sure of the post-op chemo. I am hoping it will be like coasting down the last part of that sledding hill. I got home and commiserated with Rob. He got Ellie off the bus and we did a bit of homework before she left for her Run. I called Mom to complain and cry. I heard a weird noise in our yard - it sounded like a lawnmower starting except we don't have a working one right now. I went outside and Nick had somehow made his in-operable power wheel jeep run. You should have seen his face and heard his laugh - Rob and I were cracking up watching him. I am thankful he has been learning to steer his trike because he was able to steer this jeep except the brake is a foreign concept and he just runs into things and people. What was hysterical was he seat belted himself every time he got in - I think he maybe should be wearing his helmet too.
I picked Ellie up from school and got to catch Christi up on my insanity. We came home and I worked on Ellie to finish up her homework then the kids played outside for a bit. Nick came in crying and that's when I realized I hadn't eaten lunch and my tummy was very ready for dinner. We tried Chinese tonight - will let you know tomorrow how it went. I stuck to lo mein and tried some broccoli. Ellie took her shower while Nick and I picked up dinner. After dinner Rob gave Nick his bath while Ellie and I watched some Halloween movie on Disney. Rob got both of the kids to bed and I have been blogging forever. I think I will just not be sleeping for the next 5 months or so, visualising my healthy body, my continued healthy recovery and the new normal me - whomever that shall be, Tree