Doctor Tuesday

I stayed up watching bad tv again - and when I finally went to bed I couldn't get comfortable. We were all up early - usual morning activity around here. We got Ellie to the bus and then headed over to Mom's. I thought an art project or two might be fun with the boys - I packed dot markers and finger paints. We did our projects outside and the boys were predictable in their approaches - Nick heavy handed and Tony particular about their dots and both went completely nuts with the finger paints - all in all the projects came out well though. I got the hose out and we washed up as much as we could.
We made lunch and put in Willy Wonka for the afternoon movie. I left for my doctor visits and got many hugs and kisses goodbye. My first appointment was with Dr. Mendoza Temple - talk about an entirely different setting. I was offered tea when I was brought in for my vitals. My weight is holding steady and my blood pressure was 90/60. I was introduced to Dr. Mendoza Temple and we promptly got into my issues. She is a lovely lady but I guess I was thinking I was getting something more than a shopping list or supplements and herbs/minerals from the visit. She addressed what i should begin today and then what I should begin after I can eat normally again. I should start arnica montana, staphysagria, vitamin C, Vitamin D and proboulardi tomorrow and then add mushroom extract and tumeric post surgery. I understand that each of these have properties that can assist in a certain aspect - I am just not 100% convinced they are going to help me get through this any swifter or speedier.
I then saw Patricia for another session of acupuncture - this has quickly become something I look forward to. Patricia inserted new ear seeds - I was told they are actually mustard seeds today and there is no significance to the seed itself it is simply its shape and size. In addition to all the spots she treated last week she added a spot behind my ears - for sleep. I honestly could have fallen asleep on the table today - I kept yawning and was so in another place it was quite nice.
I stopped at the Wellness Shop to kind of check out prices for the supplements and then I decided to comparison shop at Whole Foods and pick up some dinner. I got to tell you - I am not so impressed with the Northbrook store at dinner time - a serious lack of samples. The guy in the "medicine" section did assist me with my shopping - the one probiotic is only available through a pharmacy or doctor office - I picked up the arnica and the staphysagria. I had my dinner and then was on my way to the last appointment of the day - Dr. Lay for my pre-op physical.
I kid you not my appointment start to finish with the doctor was 4.5 minutes. He looked at my eyes, my tonsils, tapped my stomach and back, pushed in on my sides and listened to me breathe - that is it! I went to the lab and had my nose swabbed for staph presence and I will have all my blood work done tomorrow at Kellogg. Rob kept sending me pictures of the kids - some priceless. I am so thrilled we have neighbors who have children and they all get along - regardless of age or sex.
I got home just a couple minutes before Rob and the kids did - he took them out to dinner. I started baths and got them ready for bed. I had mentioned to Rob that the shower drain has been slow and he found the culprit and took care of it - about a 12" snake of my hair - I guess I did have hair thinning from the chemo I just have so much hair it wasn't noticeable.
Another medical day tomorrow - I am hoping to keep the positive though wave going. New mantra: visualising my healthy body, a speedy recovery, being cancer free and a new normal me - whatever that shall be, Tree

Playdate Monday

I stayed up watching bad cable until my eyes were burning last night but it yielded a good nights sleep. Nick was up first this morning and he nicely woke Ellie up. We had breakfast and I got the kids dressed, made lunch and snack and did some laundry before walking Ellie to the bus. I went to put away laundry and realized I hadn't been through Nick's dresser in a while (nesting) and took apart his dresser and bins and weeded out all the things that were too small for him. It is sad to see some of my favorite things in the donation pile but everything in his drawers fit him now. We went to Mom's for a little while to play with Tony but we had a play date with Nick's girlfriend, Su'nana today.
We got home and I started making lunch and not too much later Christi and Su'nana arrived. We have really missed out play dates and we were both pretty excited to have one today. The kids played real well together - even did some art downstairs and Christi and I actually got to talk. They stayed until bus time and we walked out to get Ellie - she was holding a piece of paper in front of me saying, "can I, can I, can I please?" It was a form to enroll her for Girls on the Run - a program for 3rd - 8th grade girls that works of positive self image and esteem as well as friendships and well, running. I had my concerns but after a quick email exchange all my concerns were worked out. Ms. Doolas (the social worker at the school) puts me at so much ease - the way she told me about Ellie's face in the classroom today was what I picture Ralphie's face like in Christmas Story when he is thinking about the Red Ryder BB gun.
Since I don't have too much else to share today I wanted to quickly address acupuncture - it doesn't hurt anymore than when a mosquito bites you. Patricia told me 12 acupuncture needles are the same size as 1 typical medical needle. I took my ear seeds out today - well they sort of fell out after my shampoo. Those, initially, felt very similar to when its freezing outside and your ears get throbby but that wore off in a few hours. I have to say I am calm - I was able to hold a discussion about my surgery (and even the stupid bag) without tearing up and full fledged crying today - a huge step. This is my page long appointment week - tomorrow I see Dr. Mendoz Temple, Patricia and Dr. Lay and then Wednesday I meet with Agnes (the research assistant) and Jennifer (the ostomy nurse) and I get all my pre-op blood work done. Visualising my healthy body, Tree

Could it be any hotter?

I was on such a sleep wave I knew it had to end sometime - last night was the time. I didn't go up to bed until midnight and then I could not sleep or when I did it was just tiny spurts - ahhh! We all went to church this morning and Nick behaved until almost the end (a huge fete because there was no children programming). We hit the park afterward but it was already to hot out.
When we got home the kids and Rob really worked hard and cleaned out my car - my car alone filled 4 bags of books, notepads, toys and winter gloves - very odd. They vacuumed it out and it looks fabulous now. I took a much needed nap during that time. Rob gave the kids a bath and then they played quietly so I could sleep.
It was Family Sunday and I woke up just in time to get to Mom's on time. We celebrated Grandma GG's birthday and my healthy body. Great food today - a pasta bake, riviera salad, Italian potato salad, fresh fruit salad - yummy. The best was dessert, though, cannoli, angel food cake and pistachio frosting and brownies. Since I am back at pre-treatment weight I need to watch it now. We had a lovely time but it not right that it is over 95 degrees at 6:00PM. We came home and spent an hour cleaning up - Ellie and I worked in her room and really cleaned it out. I changed the sheets on all the beds and got some laundry in. We finished watching Shark Tale - our movie from last night and Rob just took the kids up to bed.
Pretty normal symptom day - butt hurts and morning cramps - Rob and I flipped our mattress and I have hope that might help with some of the pain. Visualising my healthy body, Tree

What didn't we do today?

Another early to bed night last night - I totally blame the double dose of ativan but I am not complaining. The kids and Rob woke up early - I slept in - its a rare thing and I think it might be the last pre-op opportunity. Rob made the kids pancakes and even left me a couple. We got dressed and were off to the races - I mean day.
We started at the kids bank because the container we use for loose change was overflowing. It always amazes me how much money loose change can add up to - almost $50.00 this morning. The bank has the most delicious donut holes on Saturday mornings - plain dipped in chocolate ganache - yummy. We then traveled to a rummage sale and hit it big time - a Columbia winter parka for both Ellie and me, a riding helmet for Ellie (now both Ellie and Nick have them and I am thinking possible horse jockey costumes for Halloween), Rob got a couple shirts and we filled a bag with kid clothes - all for a mere $20.00. We hit a block sale on our way back home and got a couple more treasures - another Ken doll and some more dress up costumes for the costume box.
We stopped home to refill water bottles and we were off to Skokie's Backlot Bash - a back to school carnival of sorts. We got there slightly after they opened and did the business expo- which really should be renamed church, bank and back infomercial expo but that is where the kids had fun. All the churches had craft projects - sand art necklaces, beaded necklaces, log cabin cut outs and all the banks were giving out either candy or toys. Ellie and I did an artwork postcard at Turning Point (a mental health site in Skokie) - Ellie's "turning point" was when she became a big sister - I kept mine positive and said when I became a Mom. We listened to the band on stage as Ellie did an art project at the library (and got to see her counselor from camp).
We left the bash and went to Superdawg for lunch - I don't know that I ever need to go there for food again. It was just too warm to have the windows down and eat hot, greasy food. The kids wanted ice cream but we were all to full to eat right away so we drove around looking for other yard sales and ended up in Evanston. Our first choice for a treat closed (I loved the Italian Coffee Bar) so we found Crest something on Orrington but that was a bust, as was Whole Foods (I guess all Whole Foods are not created equally). We remembered that a new frozen yogurt shop opened up on Church under the kids doctor office so we walked that way. We had frozen yogurt at 38 degrees - all of their yogurt is either sugar free or made with stevia - it was quite tasty.
We decided it was probably time to head home but found one last yard sale on our way. In the 5 minutes it took for Ellie and I to just out of the car and look through stuff Nick fell asleep. We did score nicely at the sale (all tweens and teenagers selling their "kid"stuff). Ellie found the mini American Girl Felicity - for $0.50 and we got Nick the Cars from Cars (probably out of a happy meal but cool cars nonetheless).
We got home and Rob stayed with Nick while Ellie and I had some girl time. I put on gym shoes and Ellie got out her bike and we took a nice walk to Emily Oaks Nature Center (we stopped at the park but after a couple minutes Ellie said the park wasn't so much fun without Nick). It was nice - just the two of us - we got to sit on the park bench for a while. We came home and Nick was still asleep - so we played wii - also nice, I won some games and Ellie won some.
Nick finally woke up and Rob took them outside to play just in time for my cramps to start up. I curled up on the couch for a bit while listening to the giddy screams of children outside - a joyous sound. We did bath time and then decided to have movie night in the basement - a new concept but one that gives us more room than in the family room. We took a bunch of snacks downstairs and cuddles up together and had an awesome night.
In the mail today I got a nice surprise - I was chosen for a market research study and I got a Flip video camera to tape a couple responses to questions but I also get to keep the camera - bonus. I feel mentally healthy today, however, my butt is really starting to hurt. It is in the three sections that were radiated. It feels like I have done something that would have caused a bruise but there is nothing there. Maybe Dr. Mendoza Temple can work some magic on that Tuesday. It was a fun filled day - exhausting and rejuvenating all in the same. Visualising my healthy body, Tree

Owww, Ahhhh, Ohhhh

For the first time in I can't tell you how long Rob and I went up to bed at the same time and I was actually tired - exhausted more like it. I woke up so well rested this morning and feel like a whole new me. We got Ellie ready for school and off to the bus. Nick and I headed over to Mom's house - I had an appointment with Patricia in Integrative Medicine this morning and Mom was going to drive with me and take the boys with us.
I instantly felt at ease when I met Patricia and more so when she took me into her room and it didn't have a hint of being clinical. We went over my history and what I am feeling right now and then she discussed some ways she could help me. Patricia did ear acupuncture on me - tiny vaccaria seeds that have been placed on two points in my ear. The points are triggered and send a message to my brain which in turn sends a message to my body - one of wholeness and peace. I can keep these in for a couple days. My body has been treated medically - now I really think this alternative treatment might just be what I need. Patricia also introduced me to acupuncture - she inserted about a dozen needles and then turned the lights low and instructed me on deep breathing - counting the seconds I breathe in and then exhaling double that time. There was soothing music in the background and Patricia just left me alone for about 30 minutes.
Patricia walked me up and gave me some samples of Rescue Remedy and Sleep Remedy and then we set up our appointments for the next two weeks. I was super lucky and the nice ladies behind the counter were able to manipulate the schedule and get me in to see Dr. Medoza Temple next week. Patricia did suggest a book to me and a couple CDs on guided imagery and she told me that when I have surgery the anesthesiologist will recite affirmations or play music or anything else to make me comfortable.
Since we were so close we went to Via Gelato after my appointment and had yummy gelato. We headed back to Mom's and then Nick and I got our stuff together and headed home. It could be all mind over matter but I do feel calmer today - whatever it is I will take it. Ellie got home from school and shared her day with us. Rob came home not too much later and took the kids outside. I got a couple minutes to talk to my girlfriend Lee on the phone - I was picking up her long distance yells.
Jo came and picked me up - Mom treated us to a manicure and pedicure - if you are local and are looking for some pampering try Technicolor (just opened in Morton Grove on Dempster). I haven't had my nails done since I was pregnant with Nick and I think I do a good job on my own but nothing beat the pedicure chair and foot massage. This chair was a dream chair and massaged me just hard enough and hit all the spots that needed hitting - truly an experience. Jo and I both left there rejuvenated and headed to do some grocery shopping. Jo brought me home and I made dinner while Rob did bath duty.
I feel normal today - I still have my normal aches and pains but I will deal with them to feel the way I feel right now. I ordered the book Patricia suggested online and I started the rescue remedy - I read online that the people who take it love it. I can't remember a day I have felt more pampered, visualising my healthy body and mind, Tree

Great Thursday

The only problem with the double dose of ativan is that my normal body clock is off - I am usually up before 7:00AM and the last two mornings I am the last one up and am rushing to get everything done before Ellie needs to be out the door. Nick and I walked Ellie to the bus and waited with her until the bus came and then we walked back home. Nick played nicely and I was able to make a couple calls - one to return the researchers message and one to the Integrative Medicine office - left messages for both. Nick and I went over to Mom's and then kept her company when she got her haircut - it was actually an info gathering meeting. I have my own hair I was going to donate when I got it cut but I think the next chemo will be the hair loss chemo and I want to get my own hair turned into a wig but Mom's hair gal really had no info for me.
We went back to Mom's and did a bit of organizing and outdoor work before Nick and I traveled home to get Ellie. I had messages from both of my messages to return - love phone tag. I first talked to Agnes, the research lady and explained my only "concern" which is where is this colon-ring going to come out. She assured me it would come out even if it is by mechanical means 30 days after surgery and then in a hushed tone kind of in a mumble maybe by sedation if necessary - meeting with her in person next week. My next call was to Carol, Dr. Mendoza Temple's receptionist. Dr. Mendoza Temple is who I have been referred to for some possible anxiety relief before surgery. Unfortunately, her 1st opening is the day before my surgery but Carol was going to find out if one of the people next week would re-schedule so I could be seen. In the meanwhile I am meeting with Patricia tomorrow to go over breathing exercises and guided imagery and discuss acupuncture and other alternative treatments. I have never done acupuncture but if it channels my anxiety and fear then I am all for it - God knows I will have larger needles going through me soon enough.
Rob came home and took the kids out to play but the kids soon found the neighbor kids out and Rob was chopped liver. I talked my sister, Jo, into going for a manicure and pedicure tomorrow night at a new nail salon - hopefully it will include a nice hand and foot massage. We had dinner and took a walk with the kids - I love this weather and how we can actually be outside again. Oh, I forgot to write it yesterday - but I finally found the paperwork I have been searching for in a spot I would have never looked - but the upside is the house is pretty clean from me looking. Visualising my healthy body, Tree

Another busy day

I have to say the double dose of ativan really helped last night - I slept soundly and was free of surgical thoughts and dreams. We had breakfast, packed lunch and got Ellie to the bus. Nick and I hung out and played this morning until Mom came by to pick us up. We went to CVS and I struck gold on the clearance shelf - generic claritin (Nick's daily allergy med) for $2.12 a bottle (expiration in 2012) - I cleared the shelf. I also found metered saline doses - think neti pot in a single serve pack - great for sleep overs and vacations - also, cleared the shelf.
We went to my new favorite Whole Foods and sampled our way through the store and picked out lunch. We were able to find a table outside and ate al fresco - it was a gorgeous day. We headed back here and relaxed here until it was time to get Ellie off the bus. Ellie got off the bus and was absolutely delighted she got to visit with Ms. Doolas, the social worker at school this afternoon. I had a heads up because Ms. Doolas was nice enough to email me with a summary of what they had discussed. Ellie really likes her and I am so happy she feels comfortable enough to share intimate details of out lives with her - I know this will be very comforting while I am at the hospital. Ellie did her homework and had a snack before Rob got home and took them outside.
We had an awesome surprise and my girlfriend Christi and her girls stopped by - we had a great visit and Ellie got to play with her best bud and Nick got to play with his (very much missed) girlfriend. The summer went by so fast and it was so hot that we didn't get to play much after the kids pottery class ended in July. We had a wonderful time with some very good laughs - the best medicine. They headed home before dinner and I have Ellie and Nick their bath - they were dirty.
We had a lovely family dinner with Mom and Dad. Rob is upstairs doing bedtime - we are trying to break Nick into Rob putting him to bed - its been my job since he was born but he will need to adjust soon. It was a great day - I think Sally had the right idea with distraction being a good technique to deal with this stressful time. I am honestly more at peace with the whole next step today than I was yesterday. In thinking back to some of the things said to me during my 2 hour cry at the doctors visit yesterday - there are some very comforting things I didn't think about before and just thinking about things from a different side. I have completed a vigorous chemo/radiation treatment successfully. I have a tumor and lymph nodes that did not grow or move and have shrunk. In less than a month I will hopefully be cancer free (fingers crossed that the pathology comes back negative for cancer cells). I will control what I can control - which isn't everything but enough. Finally, I just might drink a mojito everyday - it might be my very own apple a day. Visualising my healthy body, Tree

Crying, Mojitos and Laughing

I have been sleeping worse and worse as each night passes on - I cannot get the continual filmstrip of images to stop flying by. On occasionally bad nights I can feel my chest heat up and by breathing gets quicker. I woke up this morning without cramps -woohoo! It was great to make Ellie her school lunch again. We walked Ellie to the bus stop and waited with her until the bus came. Nick and I waited around to see if Sally (my social worker) would return my call - which she did at 9:00AM. Sally agreed to meet with me after my Dr. Marsh appointment today. Nick and I went to Mom's and played with Tony for a while before I had to depart to Kellogg.
I got there and checked in and did my sudoku while I waited to be called. Margaret came out and got me - good news I am almost back to pre-chemo weight. Margaret and I spent a long time discussing my current issues - anxiety, nervousness, fear, lack of control... I won't recap it all - I will sum it up with half a box of kleenex, many tears and a couple shudders of breathes. Dr. Marsh doesn't want to explore an anti-depressant at this point because it will take a couple weeks to even know if it is effective and I would need to stop it before surgery. He did double my ativan dose. He also spent a great deal of time trying to emphasize the positives - I have successfully completed the most difficult stage of this process, my last CT scan was great and barring any bizarre pathology he feels I could possibly be cured post surgical. If the pathology shows no active cancer cells than I technically am cured of rectal cancer - the chemotherapy would be preventative. Margaret ended out appointment saying if I still feel the same by the end of the week -I should call her and we would try something else.
Sally came in and we talked for over an hour. I explained that I have general fear of the surgery - it is major surgery. I told her I wasn't happy about the ileostomy bag and that there wasn't a discussion about it. I told her I have fears of the unknowns after the surgery. Sally gave me some very good suggestions of how to stop the snowball thoughts and divert them into distractions. 2 hours of crying later I went to fill my ativan prescription and get back to Mom's.
I ate a sandwich and then Nick and I went to the store to pick up some things for Millietime (girl time tonight and much needed). Ellie got home from school and went over to out neighbors house to swim and play.
The ladies came over and it was just nice to talk to normal friends. I made a pitcher of mojitos and we had such good food to eat. Adie kept saying this was the best Millies ever. The kids kind of went nuts and started dressing up in costume and modeling. About half way through Millies I started to not feel well - cramps were back. I ended up curled up with my hot pad, advil and a bowl of tea. I took the double dose of ativan and although I am actively yawning I am more emotionally exhausted than physically.
We have Showtime for the next month as a freebie and I watch The Big C - not necessarily funny but I think it will get better over the season. I love Laura Linney - if you've never seen it read Armistad Maupin's Tales of the City and then watch the dvds. After a very long day of crying and an laughing - I am exhausted. Visualising my healthy body, Tree

Back to school

It was Ellie's first day of school today - Nick woke up at 6:00AM and Ellie was up at 6:40AM - WHY? It was nice - Rob didn't have to be at work until a bit later this morning and was able to visit with the kids before he left. Ellie picked out a dress for her first day - a cute tie-dye. Nick and I walked her to the corner and waited for the bus to pick her up - it was slow this morning. The bus driver is new and was very exuberant and welcomed them with happy first day of school when the kids got on the bus.
I woke up with killer cramps again - my ovaries and not happy and boy, oh boy are they letting me know it. Nick and I sat on the couch and he watched some tv so I could curl into a ball with my hot pad and advil - again! We eventually headed off to Mom's to play with Tony and Mom. Nick asked if we could picnic today and Mom and I agreed that would be an excellent first day of school plan. Mom and I made sandwiches and cut up some veggies and we got the boys loaded in the car and were off to our house to pick up Ellie and get the sides for our picnic.
Tony walked down to the corner with me to wait for the bus - it was super late today - 25 minutes after school got out - I worried for a second we missed it. Ellie was delighted with our plan and went right into the fact she had homework the first day of school. We went to the park down the street and had our picnic and the kids played in the playground for a while - it was an absolutely beautiful day. We went back to Mom's and started Ellie's homework - a collage of what makes Ellie, Ellie! We cut pictures and sayings from magazines and Mom printed out some pictures for us. The boys played with play-doh and the play kitchen. We cleaned up and went in for some quiet time and so Tony could nap.
We came home when Jo got to Mom's to pick Tony up. The kids helped me do some cleaning and organizing before heading outside to play. It was great - the neighbor kids on both sides of us were out and everyone - boys and girls were playing so wonderfully together. Rob and I got to get to know our newer neighbor a bit better while the kids played. I picked up dinner while Rob did bath duty - black water for sure this evening - the kids were filthy.
So, I have now checked all my secret hiding spots and storage spots looking for the paperwork I had done back in March for school - Nick's physical form and Ellie's asthma and allergy paperwork. I know I took it out of my purse for our spring break trip - in March and put it on the rack by the front door. I have no idea where those papers are now and think I might need to ask the doctor to redo them. I am tired - it was a long day. I get to see Dr. Marsh tomorrow and I left a message for Sally (the social worker) asking if I could stop by and see her too. Visualising my healthy body, Tree
In the front section of the Chicago Trib today there was an article on the rise of rectal cancer in people under 40 - there are actual scientists and doctors trying to find some sort of a reason or link to the rise in this particular age bracket. While colon cancer rates have stayed the same - rectal cancer is on the rise - scary! All I have to say to my "under 50" friends and family is - if you have a problem go see your doctor and don't let them procrastinate on possible diagnoses for months (not what happened in my case - thankfully, my doctor recommended a colonoscopy on my initial visit - but this waiting game is common place for younger people and this cancer). I again say - I have no risk factors for this cancer - no family history, I am a non-smoker, non-drinker and I have not eaten red meat in over 25 years.

Weekend wrap up

Just a short entry to say we had a good weekend in Michigan. No bat sightings - a huge plus on the anxiety front. It rained until mid-afternoon Saturday so we road-tripped to Kalamazoo for the morning. The mall there has a 2 tiered carousel and the kids love to ride it. We did have a good Goodwill day - scoring a couple barbies (for some reason we've been able to hold off barbie until now - I really thought we might have just been able to move away from that collection but I guess not) and a GI Joe doll for Nick.
We tried the orchard on the way back to the cottage but they were still picking peaches and hadn't opened the apple orchard yet. We stopped at the farmers market instead and picked up the last of the red haven peaches, apples and fresh veggies for a dinner salad. We got back to the cottage and went down to the beach and spent a couple hours there. It was a perfect afternoon - the waves weren't too big and there were not too many people there. We had a nice dinner and took a walk down to soda bar for ice cream.
Ellie has been asking all summer if we could go out for breakfast in Michigan - so we did this morning. We did a quick run into Walmart to pick up a couple things before coming back. While in Walmart my side splitting cramps began and were in full force by the time we got home. I curled up on the couch with a hot pad and some advil eventually drifting into sleep. Rob took the kids out to do a recycling run and found the "find" of the weekend - a play guitar in the garbage - the kids had a ball with this plastic 1980's looking guitar with no batteries. I was told later that they took lawn chairs out and gave Nana and Rob a performance while I was asleep. Rob, Ellie and Nana went to the beach while Nick and I stayed and did some cleaning.
We had another great ride home without too much traffic. We went to Mom and Dad's for dinner and to catch up with them and Jo and Tony. Nick turned a new leaf today and was a little gentlemen - I like it, no, I love it.
For some reason - I am blaming it on not proactively doing anything right now - but I feel like my butt is back to the height of radiation pain. If Nick sits too close and hits my side the wrong way I am in true pain. The pain is in exactly the points I was radiated - fortunately, it only hurts while I am sitting or laying on them. Ellie starts school tomorrow and I am both happy and sad about this. While she is ready to be back at school - I kind of feel cheated out of some summer time with her. Visualising my healthy body, Tree

Freakin hot Friday

For a change I was exhausted last night and went up after David Letterman. We were all up at the same time this morning and had breakfast - I think we will never buy cocoa pebbles again - they get everywhere. I did some laundry and packed up our basket for Michigan. Ellie took a shower and we got dressed. Jo and Tony met us at our house and we decided to head up to River Trails for the morning. Driving into the nature center we saw a baby doe - very cute - then we noticed that the nature center is closed on Fridays - bummer. We walked around outside and saw the animals but we were seriously being eaten alive by the mosquitoes - at one point Tony had blood oozing from his forehead.
We didn't know what to do with the kids - we knew it was gross outside but would get worse as the day went on. We hit Whole Foods again and sample heaven - we each picked out a treat and sat in the cafe and ate. We headed to a park I thought was pretty shady but turned out to not be so shady and it was just too hot to stay there. Jo needed groceries so we went to Target and did some shopping.
We stopped at a garage sale on our way back home and got some treasures - Ellie got a bunco game set (she learned how to play at clubhouse this summer) and a couple naked barbie dolls and Nick got a vintage little people fire truck and people and the ginormous grabbers he wanted from the children's museum gift shop. Jo and Tony loaded up and departed - T needed a nap and it is just too hot to do anything else. The kids are playing with their new treasures - quite interesting to listen to their imaginative play.
I just had a lovely conversation with Jennifer, my osotomy nurse. I told her how very uncomfortable I am with the entire concept of the ileostomy bag. I babbled on for quite a few minutes and she listened and empathized with me. She really put my mind more at ease - assuring me I would be able to handle this entirely myself and it would get more and more easy as I became more healed and comfortable with it. Jennifer assured me I have the best people in my corner and also assured me that the 8" incision I had read about after "googling" ileostomy was not what was going to happen to me. She said Dr. Muldoon's primary issue is my tumor removal but he also prides himself on his cosmetic ability - good to know the likelihood of having a tic tac toe board on my stomach is minimal. I will meet with her the week before surgery - she said she would even have an extra box of kleenex available for me.
I also have scheduled an appointment with Dr. Marsh for next week to discuss my anxiety and the need for a mood altering drug - Jennifer said this was a great idea. The ativan really isn't working anymore - previously what it did for me was take all the images that flash on your eyelids and through your mind when you close your eyes away - however, lately, it hasn't been working like that for me.
We are headed to Michigan when Rob gets home from work - looks like it will be stinkin hot weekend - stay hydrated and have fun. Visualising my healthy body, Tree

Our ADHD Thursday

Even though Nick fell to sleep quite late he was up quite early. We had no plans other than to have fun today - so we just sort of winged it - we had an ADHD day - too many things squeezed into a day. We had breakfast and got dressed and got in the car. We returned our overdue library books and stopped at the bakery for a treat to take to the park with us. We hit another of the kids favorite parks from last summer but it was so hot that both Nick and Ellie were burning themselves on the equipment - we decided to forgo the park plan and try something else. We were in Glenview and against my better judgement we pulled into Kohl's children's museum - we stayed for no more than 20 minutes before the sheer noise and rudeness made us leave.
We were trying to decide what to have for lunch when we drove up to Whole Foods and decided we could find something for everyone there. Real honestly, we could have probably eaten a light lunch by just walking the samples in the store but Ellie picked pizza and Nick picked a ham and cheese pack and they both picked out a yogurt (a Joey one Nick called them - there was a kangaroo on the container that looked like Joey from a book we've read). We had positively the best lunch ever - no spills, no scenes - we just ate and talked and we were genuinely happy to be together. We were all pretty full so we decided to skip our plans for dessert at Whole Foods and see what we could do instead.
We drove back through the Glen and parked and decided to try Make-A-Messterpiece (if you haven't been there it is probably worth it one time but get ready to pay, pay, pay). The kids had a great time doing artwork and wanted to do one of the extras and decided on the drum roll room (think Blue Man Group - a bunch of drums with watered down paint that you get to go nuts to with music and lights as your background). The kids had to "suit" up - rain pants, rain jacket, boots, shower cap and goggles - it was quite a sight. While we waited for the messterpieces to dry they played in the small play area and had fun. We took a walk around after we left and ended up getting the best gelato I have had (in the US) at Via Gelato. They had the most amazing basil mint gelato - seriously refreshing on a hot day.
We got home only minutes before Rob. Rob came in saying he was so hot he wanted to do the ghetto slip and slide again and Ellie was all about that. They had fun out in the yard and Nick had a mini meltdown - about the same time he has been taking his afternoon naps - must be growing. We all came inside - it was too hot out and the kids played downstairs and brought me up a play-doh cake inscribed with FFF - favorite family forever. We ate dinner and then I gave Nick a bath got him ready for bed while Ellie and Rob watched Wipeout. I was able to finish my book tonight - looking for suggestions for shallow reading - I can't take anything deep right now.
I called Margaret this morning and left a message - I am trying to be pro-active in the anti-depressant department. My message must have worried her because her message back said I should come by anytime today and Dr. Marsh would see me. We touched base this evening and I will schedule sometime with him next week and she suggested I meet with the social worker. My big problem is I feel like I have lost control - with chemo and radiation I at least had some say - even if it was just when I would schedule my appointments. I would love to blame hormones but seeing as how I haven't had a period since June I don't think that is it. Visualising my healthy body, Tree

Wednesday at the pier

Nick was a fuss bucket last night (and tonight). Rob asks time details - what time did you come up last night? what time did Nick come in? I don't know anymore - looking at the clock is something I don't want to have to do right now and I don't care anymore. Ellie was up at 7:30AM on the mark but Nick and I slept in until almost 8:30AM. We had big plans for the day - we were headed down to Navy Pier. I even found our two remaining passes to the funhouse. We got dressed, applied sunscreen and were on our way to pick up Mom and Dad.
We got there and Ellie and Dad did the funhouse while Mom, Nick and I waited. We started off at the Childrens Museum - always a fun time. I love that it is never crowded and never has the "element" that Kohl's does. The kids enjoyed all the usual and loved showing Grams and Gramps all their favorite exhibits. We took a lunch break and found a mexican restaurant had opened in the crystal garden. We had a great lunch, good food a nice breeze off the lake and the kids were good. We went back to the museum to do the craft studio and gift shop. Ellie, Mom and I got to make whatever we wanted from clay while Dad and Nick played with the sand table and blocks. Nick eventually came over and wanted to play with clay and made his first clay masterpiece - Ellie made a rose.
We said goodbye to the museum and picked up some Garrett's Chicago mix popcorn and left the pier. We drove home via old landmarks - the neighborhood Mom grew up in - the building Mom and Dad first lived in when they were married and when I was a baby. We decided to get ice cream from our favorite Chocolate Shoppe but Nick had passed out in his seat. We went back to Mom and Dad's and said our goodbyes (Mom and Dad are going to get away for a long weekend). When we got home the breeze outside felt so nice we decided to take a walk to the park. A couple of Ellie's friends from school were there and they let Nick join in as they played tag. We came home and had dinner and the kids had a bath. Ellie went to bed quickly, however, Nick took that afternoon nap and it took forever for him to go to sleep.
I have noticed in the past few days that both of my upper arms hurt - I don't think I did anything to them but they feel like I did. It started with the inside of my arm about where they inserted my IV for my scan but now it is about 4 inches up and wraps all the way around my arms. I received a message from the ostomy nurse offering me an appointment a week before my surgery - so much for her getting me used to the idea of the ileostomy. Hearing this I think it is time to maybe be pro-active on the medication department and look into an anti-depressant. I know most take a couple weeks to build up in your system and if I start one soon then I should be a step ahead after surgery because I am pretty sure I am going to be in a dark spot for at least a bit. My all over butt throbbies have turned into very direct pain - in precisely the places the former radiation "X" marks were - it feels like they are bruised. This evening started some abdominal cramping - my oh my I haven't missed those.
Have nothing in the schedule for tomorrow - maybe a park or some other adventure - we shall see. Visualising my healthy body, Tree

Two park Tuesday

We all slept well last night - both Ellie and Nick took my words seriously and decided at 7:30AM is was time to wake up. We had breakfast and I did some laundry, we got dressed and ready for our day. It is Mom and Dad's 36th anniversary today so we stopped at the bakery for some treats. We got to Mom and Dad's and the kids had sprinkle cupcakes and us adults had chocolate almond croissants (it should be helpful in the weight gain). We realized yesterday that the kids really needed some outside, run around time today and it was another wonderful day to do that.
We started off at Indian Boundary in Chicago. Growing up it was an absolutely amazing park - not so much anymore. They still have a couple animals - half a dozen goats, some ducks and chickens but no more zebras or bears. After seeing some troublesome kids at the play ground area we opted to walk along the pond instead and hit a different park. The pond is gorgeous - thousands of "Ponyo" goldfish and turtles and ducks - and luscious wild flowers. Tony turned into his alternate personality and became run away Forrest Gump or maybe it is the Energizer bunny - he keeps going and going and going.
We decided to really give Dad a true experience and we went to Cici's pizza for lunch. Tony gobbled down a couple plates of pizza, Ellie did well with the macaroni and cheese pizza and Nick ate veggies from the salad bar and cinnamon rolls. We traveled to a favorite park from last summer and it was a hit again. As we pulled up Ellie remarked - Oh this is the park with challenging monkey bars. Nick made friends quickly with a little boy named John (a 5 year old). It was funny, John had a younger brother, Kyle, who looked to be Nick's age but neither Nick nor John really wanted to play with Kyle. It was wonderful to see a different side of Nick - I am no longer dreading preschool and I think he will make friends quickly and be the life of the party. At one point John hid on the slide and said he was so tired couldn't they just play hide and seek instead of tag. Lots of laughs and then some tears as John's Mom said it was time to leave (no tears from Nick). They both said it was nice playing and hoped they might meet again - too cute.
We took advantage of the sink in the restroom and tried to wash off some of the dirt Nick and Tony picked up at the park but it just took the surface dirt away. Ellie enjoyed her monkey bar challenge and took her time trying to master the loops.
We headed back to Mom's and Jo was waiting to pick Tony up. We stuck around for a bit - Dad made afternoon pick me up cappuccino and then played downstairs with the kids. Mom played on facebook and thought she achieved weekly high scores that I couldn't beat - but I beat her when I got home. We watched the crappy circus event that the former Gov. Blago trial turned into - cannot believe it took so long for one guilty charge. We came home and the kids immediately convinced Rob to take them out to play. Wasn't quite as late of a night as last night but we had a very eventful day and the kids were stink bombs and needed a bath. I did bath duty while Rob got dinner. The kids both fell fast asleep.
I had a productive communication day - I emailed back and forth with the social worker and Ellie's 3rd grade teacher. I wanted to make sure everyone knows what has happened and what is on the calendar. I want to make sure Ellie has some very wide shoulders to lean on this year and some extremely long arms to wrap around her that extra hug she will need - I now know that is taken care of. I also put a call into the ostomy nurse and will wait for her call back. This evening we caught up with UB on the phone. The only thing bothering me right now is my butt (duh, right?) but it feels like I have been sitting on metal bleachers for about the past year - it is just plain sore - I am pretty positive the radiation wiped out any fat I had stored there and it is just all bones and skin now -humph! Visualising my healthy body, Tree

Gorgeous day

Went back to my old ways and stayed up watching tv well past when Rob went up. Kids were up way too early - I told Ellie if her clock doesn't start with "7" she should go back to sleep. We had breakfast and got dressed and went to Mom and Dad's - Dad is off this week for vacation. Mom already had a plan up her sleeve and showed me 2Toots website when we arrived - road trip day. We were on our way to Glen Ellyn to visit 2Toots cafe - a restaurant that everything is served to your table by train.
We arrived and the kids were all pretty excited. Nick and Tony sat track side and were extremely good about not putting their hands on the track or in the way of a moving train. Food was standard fare and nothing we would make a trip back for (but cleaner that ChooChoo in Des Plaines). The kids were spoiled by Grams and Gramps and train whistle topped cupcakes arrived for dessert. On our way out all the kids rode "Champion" the horse - some were more into than others - Tony. On our way back to the car we got to see a Metra and a freight train.
Mom and Dad promised Ellie they would see Toy Story 3 with her - so we decided today was as good of day as any and went to the theatre.
It was interesting because the parts that didn't bother Nick the first time he was bothered by today and Ellie made it through without crying, me too! We were all sure the boys would nap on the ride home but no such luck. We did discover that Culver's opened in Rosemont and had a custard stop on the way home - turtle cheesecake was the yummy flavor of the day. The kids went nuts from that point on and were so much in need of running around.
Mom and Dad's new patio stones were laid today and the kids used it as their dance floor. We got our stuff together and came home. Rob took the kids out to enjoy this gorgeous day and play. We ended up staying outside visiting with our neighbors until almost 8:00PM. We brought the kids in to take a bath and get ready for bed.
Ellie found that the Disney movie tonight was Ella Enchanted and asked if she could watch a bit and we agreed. The kids both fell to sleep quickly and now Rob and I are just relaxing. We were able to turn off the air and open windows and are listening to the locust. It was a long day but a totally great start to the last week before school. Visualising my healthy body, Tree

A Bat some blueberries and a book

Friday morning Jo, Tony, Ellie, Nick and I went to a couple garage sales before we met up with Mom and Dad for lunch at Red Robins. We had a nice lunch together and then we came home and packed up for Michigan. On the drive up to Michigan we got to watch a couple planes practicing for the air and water show and Nick fell asleep and napped until we got to the Indiana/Michigan border. We got off in New Buffalo to get gas and detoured to get ice cream at Oink's. We took the scenic route to the cottage and it was a nice change of scenery.
We got to the cottage and just kicked back and relaxed. The kids caught Nana up on their happenings and we found a new movie on Disney to watch.
Rob came down from his shower with a tennis racket in his hand and a look on his face - both equal only one thing - there was a bat in the house. I asked where and was told up in our bedroom above Nick's bed - great. After Rob gloved up and I heard a bit of movement upstairs - Rob called and asked me to open the door to "dispose" of the bat. I have trouble sleeping to begin with and now I had the task of trying to sleep with the knowledge that a bat was only feet away from where I sleep. I decided a glass of wine might take the edge off but no such luck even with a second glass and my nightly ativan I was still staring at the clock hours after I went to bed. At around 2:30AM I tapped Rob and asked if he was sleeping because I still hadn't been able to fall asleep - he tried to rub my back but his hand soon was heavy on my back and he had fallen back to sleep. I finally fell asleep sometime around 4:00AM but nick woke up at 5:00AM - it was a miserable night.
Saturday morning we woke up to hot sticky rain. We decided to do some shopping and see if the weather changed - it was National Blueberry Festival and we had a parade we wanted to see. While eating lunch the rain slowed and eventually stopped - we found a spot to park and headed to find a seat. It was way cloudy when we sat down but the sun was starting to break through by the end of the parade. It was a nice mix of entries this year - more than the usual Miss Blossom, Miss Blueberry, Miss Peach and so on. The kids each had a bag full of candy by the end of the parade. Ellie and I walked through the sidewalk sales in town and were disappointed by the lack of sales. Rob, Nana and Nick went down to the marina and watched the boats going in and out. Ellie and I stopped in and got ice cream on the way to meet the gang but by the time we got to the marina the heat had melted most all the ice cream down. We stayed and watched the Ronald McDonald magic show for a while before deciding it was time to head back home. My feet were killing me - we had walked so much and I lack any calluses - I have brand new skin forming and it was very sore.
Rob and the kids were beach bound - I knew I had to put my feet up and relax a bit. I was able to read my book for a while and take a 20 minute recharge nap before starting dinner prep with Rob's Mom. Rob and the kids came back super excited - not only did the sun come out but they were able to fly their kite and swim. I gave the kids a bath and Rob got the grill ready - dinner came together nicely. We just kicked back and relaxed - the kids watched a movie. I slept much better last night - I was tired enough from the night before that it wasn't too hard to fall asleep. The only problem is we have giant oak trees outside and they are starting to lose their acorns and every time a acorn would hit the roof I would wake up and wonder if it was an acorn or another bat.
This morning we woke up and it really looked like it was going to rain again but the kids really wanted to hit the beach again . By the time we got their suits on and started sunscreen the rain had begun but by the time I came down from my shower the sun was out. Rob and Nana took the kids to the beach while I headed into town to pick up some blueberries to take home and to stop at Menard's for Rob. I got home a bit before Rob and the gang and got a bit more reading in. I gave the kids their bath and we had lunch together before they ran off to play. Rob did a couple things around the house and we got our stuff packed up and headed home. We had the best traffic ride we have had all season and I think we can totally give credit to the air and water show on the lake and we opted for the empty Kennedy route - just slightly over 2 hours.
We went to Mom and Dad's for dinner. Dad grilled while Mom and I worked in the kitchen. We had a great dinner out in the year except for the bugs. Mom and Dad loaded Ellie up with lunch goodies for her school lunches and a couple of back to school outfits, too. We finished dessert and headed home where both Ellie and Nick fell quickly to sleep. Rob and I are watching the finale of Next Food Network star and are enjoying the silence. I am looking forward to our bed tonight and a decent night of sleep. My feet are still sore and I am just tired. Looking forward to a fun week - not sure what we are doing yet but it is Ellie's last week off before school starts. Visualising my healthy body, Tree

Relaxing Thursday

I stayed up and watched crappy tv last night until I felt tired enough to try to sleep. We were all up early and went down and got breakfast. I finished cleaning up the dining room and we all got dressed. The researchers arrived and the kids were wonderful and played in the basement mostly while I answered their survey questions. Ellie did come up once to ask for an ibuprofen - she had a headache starting. Luckily, the study only took about an hour and I was paid and they were on their way because shortly after they left Ellie's headache was full force.
We got a garbage can ready and I set her up in her room - it has been suggested that a darker room might help and Ellie said it did. I also found a aromatherapy headache rub and rubbed her neck and shoulders in and she also said that made her feel better. It took about an hour but when Ellie got up from her bed I heard the dreaded vomit start. Ironically, today was an asthma action day on Mediclim.com not a migraine day. We hung around here until lunchtime and until Ellie said she was feeling better and then we went to Mom's.
We ate lunch and then Nick asked to watch Racing Stripes, again. I feel asleep during the movie and Nick did too. Rob came over after he was through working and Ellie and Mom cleaned off the bed in the playroom. Rob took Ellie home to pack for her overnight - she is spending the night at Mom and Dad's to watch the meteor shower. Nick and I drove home and picked them up before heading back to Mom and Dad's for family dinner. Dad brought Chicken Inn chicken and potatoes home - Mom and the kids made a fruit salad - Nick ate about half the mango before it made its way into the salad. We had dinner and watched Ellie's favorite Thursday night edition of Wipeout. Rob, Nick and I came home and I gave Nick a bath and got him ready for bed. Since Nick had an afternoon nap it was a later bedtime for him but not too late.
Rob and I watched Royal Pain on USA tonight - never watched it before but it was interesting. We are headed to Michigan for the weekend - its National Blueberry Festival this weekend. Its one of our favorite weekends to be up there - sidewalk sales and a parade. I will post again on Sunday, visualising my healthy body, Tree

Wednesday

New trend - Rob goes up to bed and I stay up a couple hours later because I can't relax enough to sleep. Nick finally didn't awaken during the night with a nightmare - just jinxed tonight probably. We woke up and ate breakfast and the kids played with some of their toys. Mom had some things that needed to be done today - so we joined her on her adventure to keep her company.
We tried a different Salvation Army today for their back to school sale and hit pay dirt. We left with 2 garbage bags and 2 regular sized bags filled for about $20.00. We found Ellie an American Girl fall weight coat and loaded Nick up with 4T clothing - what a bargain. We went back to Mom's for lunch and for the kids to have some play time. Mom and I were able to put our feet up and take a short nap before we needed to leave.
Ellie and I had a Mom and Daughter date night - we went to see Ramona and Beezus - Ellie made it about 2/3 of the way through before the tears were rolling. It was a very cute movie and I noticed as we walked out the entire audience was Mom's and their daughters. While Ellie and I were out Rob and Nick had their own date night and had dinner together.
I've noticed recently that my home is in a time warp - obvious reasons but somethings have not moved in 2-3 months. We were chosen as a household for a University of Iowa (partnered with UIC) research study and it is an in home interview tomorrow - needless to say we came home and cleaned up a bit. I have mentioned before that I have made a correlation between my cancer and being pregnant. It began with radiation and chemo - I felt queasy like i did while pregnant and things that tasted good one day were terrible the next. I can honestly say I feel like I am nesting right now - getting the house prepared for days that I won't feel up to it. I am also taking full advantage of not having dietary restrictions - the worst will be no raw fruit or veggies for 6-8 months. I realized today why my cuticles are peeling the way they are - it is because my fingers are not longer swollen and the skin needs to puff back down again - my fingerprints magically reappeared over night, too. Visualising my healthy body, Tree

Surgery scheduled

I couldn't settle down enough to go to sleep when Rob went up so I finished watching Life in Ruins (ok movie) and then watched a bit of Craig Ferguson before attempting to go to sleep - still took another hour or so in bed. Nick keeps waking in the middle of the night with some sort of nightmares - not real sure what this is all about. We all slept in until 8:00AM and took our time getting ready this morning. I fished Dr. Muldoon's secretary's card from my purse and made the phone call I really didn't want to make - my surgery is scheduled for Friday, September 10th. I came to this week for a couple reasons but most importantly - Ellie will be back in school and back into a "normal" routine. I attempted to schedule an appointment with Jennifer, the ostomy nurse for North Shore, but she is out of town until next Friday - this is okay for me - another week to not seriously think about the dreaded ileostomy.
We got dressed and headed to Mom's where the kids played with trains and legos before Nick and Tony were both after the exact same thing and the same time. We took a lunch break and though food might make everyone kinder but that didn't happen. We packed up and decided to do some other things while Tony took his nap. The kids and I went to Salvation Army for some back to school shopping (fyi - all kids clothing is .47/piece this week). I ended up with a winter coat and a couple pairs of pants for Nick and Ellie picked out a fall coat. On our way home Nick fell asleep and stayed asleep through transferring from the car to his bed. Ellie and I took the quiet time to have a snack and just relax. Nick slept for over 2 hours - meaning we knew it wouldn't be an early night for him. When Rob came home we discussed going to see a movie and decided with Nick's late nap t was the perfect thing to do. When Nick woke up we packed some sweets and headed off to see Despicable Me (cute but not as funny as Toy Story 3). It was exactly what we all needed to shrug off some stress - movie, popcorn and candy.
We got home and Ellie went to bed smoothly, as predicted, Nick took until almost 10:00PM to finally zonk. Amazingly, I am feeling very well except for the alarming amount of anxiety running through my head. Visualising my healthy body, Tree

Surgical consult complete

I slept rather poorly last night - couldn't fall into a deep sleep and had too much running through my head. Ellie was up first but we were all up soon after. We had breakfast and headed off to Mom's to drop the kids off before Rob and I went for my consult with Dr. Muldoon. The kids happily gave us hugs and said goodbye and we were out the door. I checked in and went to get my vitals taken - I gained a pound and my blood pressure was not 92/68 like last week but 128/80 - a bit stressed out. Rob and I were told to wait in the waiting room until the Dr. was ready. We were brought into the exam room and Dr. Muldoon and Amber, his resident, came in for my appointment. We went over my chemo and radiation history and then went over the surgery which will be done robotic and not laproscopic - the difference he said is laproscopic is like working with chopsticks versus robotic gives him more maneuverability. The surgery itself will take 4-5 hours and I should expect to be in the hospital 4-7 days afterwards. Two big unfortunate details - he will not insert my port while I am in surgery or even while I am in for those 4-7 days and he will be placing a temporary (until about a month after chemo ends, as long as 8 months) ileostomy. When I heard the latter I began to cry and took a couple minutes to gain composure again - this is not something a 34 year old want to hear much less envision - very sad he really didn't leave an option available - this is what he will do.
The way Dr. Muldoon explained it - when I go into for surgery I am 0%, by the time I am discharged I should be at 40% and then in the recuperation stage (about 4-5 weeks) I will get up to about 90% and that is when chemo will start and I should be 100% after that is completed. He will remove the entire rectum and a portion of my sigmoid colon and then re-attach the healthy colon - this will be secured by wither permanent staples or a pressure ring. I could be involved in his research study on the pressure ring - which eventually when inflammation disappears will exit my colon - not sure about this yet. The big bad possibilities of surgery - I could begin to bleed after the surgery, I could require a blood transfusion, I have an increased risk of infection, I could have a heart attack or stroke - but all of these are minimal due to my age and health. Dr. Muldoon said that both radiation and chemo are still working in my body so I could schedule surgery anytime between 6-10 weeks after I was finished - meaning anytime between August 23 and September 15 - I am opting for after Labor Day just have to call and schedule.
Dr. Muldoon said I could meet with him again if I have more concerns or questions and I need to meet with a ileostomy nurse before surgery to get more comfortable with the thought of it. There are various tests and procedures I need to get done before surgery too. Rob and I left and although I am not very happy with the idea of not getting my port put in while heavily drugged and getting an ileostomy at age 34 - I will deal with it knowing Dr. Muldoon is the best at what he does. Dr. Muldoon did say the weeks leading up to surgery are usually the most nerve racking and I can say I am sure he is correct - might need to up the dose of ativan. We went back to Mom's and I had another good cry on Mom's shoulder. We ate lunch together and then Rob went home to mow the lawn while Mom had a painting craft for the kids. We set up the picnic table outside and gave the kids a wooden birdhouse and paint and they went nuts - very different approaches. After painting we washed the kids down and headed inside - it was super hot and humid today. Movie du jour - Bedknobs and Broomsticks. Tony took a nap and the rest of up relaxed. Rob came back to get the kids and I waited for Jo to come home and we went to Target.
Jo, Tony and I shopped at Target while Rob, Ellie and Nick made a ghetto fabulous visqueen slip and slide in our yard. Jo dropped me back at home and we got the kids in for a bath - they were covered in grass clippings. I was reading a magazine and read this page article on Andy's Custard in Evanston and thought it might be a nice treat so even though the kids were in pajamas we took a drive and got custard and it was quite tasty. We walked around downtown Evanston afterwards because we were all pretty full. In one store front there was a t-shirt modeled after the Obama campaign logo (the silhouette face in red and blue) that read "Blago - its time for a real change - 2012 - too funny but maybe only to us Chicagoans. On our way home, while traveling west on Howard a car decided to dart out and try to turn left right in front of ua and all I can say is - I am thrilled we are built Ford tough. I laid on the horn and really stomped on the brakes and although there was an impact - it was small. Ellie almost immediately was sucking back tears - thank goodness no one was hurt - just stirred up. I called the police and we got off of Howard and pulled into the parking lot. The guy was able to pull out his bent in front fender and real honestly we just appear to have a scratch on out bumper. The police officer came and took our information and eventually gave us a copy of his report and we were able to get on home. The guy was (at least) getting 2 tickets - one for failure to yield and one for not having his current insurance card present.
We got home and had settle down time - Ellie was pretty rattled and was concerned that Nick might have bit his tongue during impact or hit his head on the toy he was playing with - poor girl carries too much worry. The kids are now both asleep and I am too emotionally up tight to sleep. I know that I will come to better terms with my surgery and all that it involves but for today (and maybe tomorrow) I am a bit upset and sad. Visualising my healthy body, Tree

Cleaning and Baking Day

Rob went up early and I started watching our new netflix - didn't make it all the way through though. Everyone slept well and Nick was up way too early but I had some baking to do and we came downstairs together. I got Nick some breakfast and I started cleaning peaches for peach-blueberry pound cakes. I realized as I was washing the peaches that 1) we had more peaches than I thought and 2) some were really in need of being eaten. Rob and Ellie came down a little while later and Ellie (aka Sandra Lee wanna be) asked if she could help. I put Ellie in charge of the mixer while I peeled and chopped up the peaches. Ellie measured our ingredients out and mixed them all together in the mixer - I felt like we were having a Lucille Ball moment with the flour - she had the mixer too high and flour went everywhere.
Ellie and Rob went to church while Nick and I stayed home to finish baking. The bundt came out beautifully - our second batch didn't brown up the same way but was still quite tasty. When Rob and Ellie got home from church we ended up cleaning the basement - totally un-intentional. It all started with asking Rob to go through his work shirts and led to a full out cleaning and dusting. It was amazing what we ended up getting rid of - both garbage and donations stuff. The basement looks marvelous and big - we put all the games on our bookshelves to make them more accessible and organized all the bins - exhausting.
We gave the kids a bath and got ready for family Sunday at Mom and Dad's. We headed over a bit early to help out and the kids quickly were outside playing. I helped Mom in the kitchen while Rob helped Dad outside. We had a terrific summer spread of food - tomato-mozzarella -pesto sandwiches and napa cabbage salad - yum. We had our pound cake and ice cream for dessert. We got to visit with Grandma and Grandpa GG and Uncle Bill while the kids played in the water table. It was quite funny - Nick didn't want to get wet - he just wanted to have his hands in the water. Ellie wanted to be saturated and Tony wanted to water his feet.
We cleaned up and moved inside when the mosquitoes and humidity started getting bad. Nick asked to watch the Gnome Mobile - we promised 30 minutes before we had to get going. It was Uncle Bill, Dad and Rob's initial viewing of the movie. We came home and got the kids ready for bed and cleaned up a bit. Rob and I are waiting to watch Food Network Star and we are both so stuffed from lunch.
I think I might try gym shoes tomorrow - my feet are all throbby again today. Consult with surgeon tomorrow - thinking of all my questions - a bit nervous. Visualising my healthy body, Tree

Busy Saturday

I stayed up a bit later than Rob last night but he let me sleep in this morning. I woke up and did some laundry and then had way too much laundry to put away. Ellie decided it was organizing day for her closet and she started with her pajamas and then went on to dresses - we packed up about half her dresses - too small, so sad. Ellie inspired me and I went through my dresser and got a bag full of giveaways too. We got dressed and headed to Whole Foods in Sauganash - PBS Kids Food Van was there and Ellie missed out on the food van last month. The kids did one or two of the dance numbers with Miss Lori's gang and then had some snacks and we packed our bag with snacks. We picked up a snack and drink for each of us and then went yard sale shopping. To all our surprise - Nick fell asleep at 10:45AM in the car for a 2 hour nap - sort of made shopping easier. We scored some good stuff today - the Melissa and Doug pizza kit, a duplo boat and ambulance with rescue people, some clothing and a couple barbie dolls. Nick was still sleeping so we decided to head North and hit a couple of our favorite thrift stores.
We lucked out at the first store and found the Buzz Lightyear figure that Tony got at a rummage sale and Nick has been jealous of. We called our friends Donna and Geoff to see if they might be available for a visit - its been so long and we were close to their house - and they were home. We did a bit more shopping at Gurnee Mills and had dessert at Rainforest Cafe - both Ellie and Nick were in awe of the animals and we were seated right in front of the elephants. We drove to Donna and Geoff's house and had a wonderful time catching up - it has seriously been way too long. The kids played in their trampoline and had a great time too.
We eventually had to part ways and travel home much to the kids disappointment (ours too) but it was a treat to get to visit. The kids played pizza and Toy Story pretend on the car ride home and then sand some songs. We got home and everyone had a snack before putting on pajamas and getting to bed. Ellie zonked quickly - Nick is still awake in his bed - that is the evil part of 2 hour naps.
I have felt good all day - it wasn't until we got home that my feet began to throb and ache. My finger cuticles are a mess right now despite lotion and neosporin they are peeling and bloody. Looking forward to another family day tomorrow and visualising my healthy body, Tree

Wow - a I feel "normal" day

Rob and I were both too excited to sleep last night - we stayed up and watched an old John Cusack movie from the 1980s. Ellie woke up around 7:20AM and went downstairs - Nick and I slept in until 8:00AM. We had plans to spend the day with Jo and Tony and they met us at our house at 9:00AM. We headed off to Pirate's Cove in Elk Grove Village - an amusement park for the toddlers and younger kids. We were a bit surprised to see a line when we arrived as they opened but soon found out it was Superhero Day - not that that meant anything other than getting a squeezy superhero as we purchased our tickets. The kids had a ball between the train ride and the super slide. I packed a picnic lunch and we ate by the waterfall. The kids probably could have stayed all day but the mosquitoes were rampant, the park was super crowded and it was getting hot.
We went to Woodfield to cool off in some air conditioning and Jo informed me she doesn't get out to the mall very often and wanted to hit about half a dozen stores. The kids loved walking by Rainforest Cafe and seeing the "animals" in action. We had some ice cream to cool off and decide what other stores we might want to hit. We decided to treat the kids and we went to Build a Bear Workshop - Ellie has been before but this was Nick and Tony's first time. Ellie picked out a bear and Nick and Tony both got puppies - I love that they have the allergy/asthma choices. The boys really enjoyed filling their puppies, grooming them and then getting to love them. Ellie adopted Gabriella, Tony adopted Ponyo and Nick - well Nick adopted Doggie Beef (originally is was Loompa Doompa - I'm sure he meant Oompa Loompa). We finished up with a trip inside the gift shop at Rainforest to see the fish being fed - and the kids were all very excited to see Dorie the fish from Finding Nemo.
Jo and I were sure the kids would all sleep on our ride home but no such luck - Tony was the only one who gave in. We stopped by a garage sale that Jo and I went to last year and really lucked out on boys clothing but there were no boys to be found today - oh well. Jo dropped us back at home and the kids quickly put on their swimsuits and headed out to the sprinkler. They played until the mosquitoes were, once again, eating us alive. We came in and got re-dressed and decided to use a couple more library reading club coupons - we went to get pizza for dinner and the kids both got their own personal pizza. After dinner we used their ice cream coupon and hit the Chocolate Shoppe - yummy!
We got home and had a quick bath time before getting the kids to bed a bit early. It was as close to a normal day as I have had in a long time but I have to say my feet are killing me. I am looking forward to the weekend - we have just a few plans and they all involve having fun. Visualising my healthy body (I think this visualising stuff is really working), Tree

Wonderful scan results

I'm just going to skip to today - same ole stuff last night. This morning I was nervous, anxious and all emotions in between. I dropped Ellie and Nick at Mom's and was on my way to Kellogg for my Dr. Marsh appointment. I checked in and was told I didn't need blood work today and that was a most excellent thing because my veins were abused enough yesterday and are quite sore today. Dr. Marsh is usually very punctual and I was upstairs in the waiting area forever. Margaret actually came out of the office twice and looked my way but continued down the hall the other way - I was questioning my scan results. Finally, 30 minutes after my scheduled appointment, Margaret came and got me. I got on the scale and I was 132 - 3 pounds up but 8 pounds down.
We went to the exam room and Margaret was all business - I was nervous thinking she knew something. We went over what medications I am taking, what symptoms still exist, how I am sleeping and eating and then she checked my hands and feet. Margaret, after looking at my fingertips, said this would be the perfect time for my crime life to begin. Dr. Marsh came in and we went over all of what Margaret and I just talked about and then he shared his reading on my scan. The tumor has not grown or metastasized anywhere else. The tumors margins have shrunk and the questionable lymph node also seems to have shrunk. The scan shows that the tumor possibly still penetrates the wall but this could be inflammation or edema and not the actual tumor - this could be pinpointed with another endoscopic ultrasound but that would be for Dr. Muldoon to decide. Dr. Marsh checked me out and looked me over and told me I did beautifully. After surgery there will be pathology to determine if 1) microscopic or no cancer cells existed in the tumor 2) streams or spots of cancer cells existed in the tumor or 3) if the tumor had wide spread cancer cells. Dr. Marsh said it is rare to see #3 and #1 or #2 are far more common - depending on which one it is the chemotherapy regiment will be determined.
I left feeling great and got to the car and U2s Beautiful Day was on the radio - a sign for sure. I called Rob and went back to Mom's and shared my news. We decided to get out of the house and Ellie has been wanting to go the Bath & Body Works to get one of those mini anti bacterial gels and the little hanging thing - so that's where we went. I go into scent overload in that store and really don't like any of those fruity smelling stuff. We got what we needed and picked up lunch - yummy spinach pie! We ate lunch and then the movie du jour was Racing Stripes.
We left after the movie and the kids and I headed to Kohl's to spend our bonus cash - lucked out on some 90% off clothing and some Toy Story 3 clearance toys - I spent $40.00 and saved $199.64 - I love when the receipt shows you how much you've saved. We drove home and the kids set up their TS3 sets while I made breakfast for dinner - someone was craving banana chocolate chip pancakes. Rob got home just as I was starting to put the kids to sleep so he took over with Ellie and I finished up with Nick.
Rob brought home a bottle of wine and we are currently toasting our great news. Visualising my healthy body, Tree
A friend shared a link to an article about the after effects of cancer - the things no one shares and rarely discuss - if anyone is interested in reading it here is the link to the article: http://www.cancercounselling.org.uk/northsouth/extra4.nsf/WebResClient/1761049276601BD68025735B00604834/$FILE/article3.pdf?openElement

CT scan complete Wednesday

Rob and I started to watch the news last night when Rob heard Nick singing in the monitor followed by him saying Mom - so I went up to see what he was up to. I went to sit in the chair beside his bed and was surprised to find that Nick was curled up in a ball on that very chair. He was talking in his sleep but did move from his bed to his chair so I placed him back in bed. After about an hour he stopped "jerk" moving in his sleep and settled back in until the rain started early this morning. Ellie came in at 6:45AM and asked if she could sleep in our room - which she then did - we came down for breakfast at about 8:00AM - thanks to the dark skies.
I couldn't eat breakfast because I couldn't eat/drink 4 hours before the scan but the kids ate their waffles and poptarts. I had to start drinking the prep 2 hours before the scan but finish at least an hour before. I took the advice from Margaret and mixed it with cranberry juice (I don't really drink juice so drinking 20 ounces left my tummy feeling un-easy). I opened the prep and was relieved to find that it really had no smell and after mixing it with the juice it also didn't have a taste. I finished drinking the prep and we headed over to Mom's - the kids were thrilled it was raining and they got to wear their raincoats. Ellie and Nick decided they were going to use recycled boxes and legos to make a city - they were very creative. When Nick found out I was going to the hospital alone he couldn't wait to get me out of the house.
I got to the hospital and checked in and it was kind of like I was having an entirely different experience than my first scan. I was told to wait in the women's waiting room (first difference). I was eventually taken back to the CT room by Clarence - once again weird experience because you keep walking down different hallways and turning further into this maze, far, far way from the general people. I was told Annie would be inserting my IV and running the scan and she was ready when I walked into the room. I was in a different room than my original scan - same big donut machine but also a machine hanging from the ceiling - stark white walls and very cold. Annie got me set up on the table with a giant wedge under my knees and a not quite plump enough pillow under my head. I told Annie I have rolling veins and she said every ones veins move - bad sign. Annie begins on my left side and tries to locate a vein and thinks she has one so she cleans my arm and inserts the needle before re-locating my vein. She then starts pulling my skin down to try to get the needle into my vein and asks me to pump my fist - none of this feels good. Annie finally admits defeat and says she can't get the catheter to advance and needs to try the other side and as she is moving to my right side asks what kind of chemo I had and if I have a port - another bad sign. We try again on my right side this time she kept her fingers in place on my vein but still had to pull my skin around to get the catheter to advance. She finally got the IV in and used about 6 pieces of tape to keep it in place - the same tape that eats my skin. I soon found out that the machine hanging from the ceiling was the interactive solution - they just hooked it into the IV and it had a long cord to be able to travel through the machine with me. Annie left me and the scan started - same automated voice command - breathe, hold breath, breathe - still don't understand why it can't be a human voice - like one of the three people watching me slide through the donut. Annie sent another person in to remove the IV - I wish she sent another person in to try the right side - I predict massive black and blue arms tomorrow. The IV was pulled and I was told Dr. Marsh would have the results in 24 hours and I have my appointment with him tomorrow morning.
I called Mom to find out if anyone was hungry for lunch but the kids had just had a snack - I picked up Foodstuff sandwiches for me and Mom - yum! Apparently when I called Nick told Mom it wasn't time for me to come back yet and when I tried to get in the house when I came back Nick tried to push the door shut - I guess he has missed hanging out with Grams. The kids showed me their city and Willy Wonka was being played - again. Ellie decided she was hungry and wanted a cucumber sandwich and Nick wanted a PB&J - Mom fixed Ellie's and I did Nick's. We ate lunch and the movie finished and Nick wanted to watch Mary Poppins. I told the kids we were going to leave because no one was relaxing and Ellie said she was going to relax if we made a "beach" on the floor - we laid down the sleeping bags and the kids did relax for a bit.
Eventually, we made our way back to our house for family dinner but we needed to stop at the store to pick up some fruit. While in the store the sky opened up and poured and was still raining pretty hard when we needed to leave but the rain made us cool off. Mom and Ellie worked on a fruit salad while I got the chicken marinating. Rob grilled for us and Dad arrived just in time for dinner. After dinner Dad and Nick went to play with Nick's trains and Mom and Ellie played some games. Rob and I watched the results from America's Got Talent and now we are just relaxing on the couch.
I am anxious to find out the results tomorrow - I did feel heat with the IV today and it was just in my pelvis - I am hoping it is just the amount of dead tumor down there. Today is the first day I noticed a positive change in my fingertips - they aren't all tingly and numb - I can sort of feel again. While showering today and soaping my feet I realized they have sort of become red like my hands were - strange. Visualising my healthy body, Tree