Rob stayed up with me last night and watched the first couple episodes of Nurse Jackie - we both went up to bed together knowing it was a long day ahead. We had no clear plans for out family morning just that it was going to be just that - our family morning. We started by heading to Glenview for a breakfast at Egg Harbor. Technically, breakfast was the last meal I could eat before surgery tomorrow but I had the mind frame - the less in the less out. The kids had rainbow pancakes, Rob had blueberry pancakes and I had a yogurt parfait. We had a nice breakfast together. On the ride I got a call from Dr. Szokol (my anesthesiologist) and he eased some nerves - saying my ear seeds can stay in and that he would indeed read my mantra to me. We went over my anesthesia history (twilight from the colonoscopy and ultrasound and epidural from labor) and he said he'd see me tomorrow morning.
We left breakfast and I took Rob and the kids to Park Center to see the pool - now everyone is equally interested and it will be a destination sometime. We stopped at Costco for zyrtec and coffee - some essential things in this household. We went to our favorite park and the kids played so well together. I sat on the bench and really debated putting my feet up and going to sleep - the sun was super warming and it just felt good. On our way to another park we found that one of our favorite thrift stores had re-opened for the fall and we lucked out on some good finds. Our final park was the newly renovated one at Oakton Park and I have to say it is a really cool park. Ellie was familiar with from camp but it was Nick's first time there and he had a ball - presented new challenges.
We came home and I began my prep - the magnesium citrate tasted gross - like salty seltzer water with clorox wipe flavored lemon - yuck. I drank my glass and quickly followed it with water. I got the call from the hospital giving me my time for the morning - 6 AM and going through all the can and can't for the next 18 hours. Rob played with the kids in the basement while I hung out on the couch reading my newly delivered book - Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster (timely delivery). I did some laundry, read some of the book, visited with the kids, set up the wii to stream netflix - then it was time for the 2nd glass or yuck. Honestly, I would much prefer this prep to the colonoscopy prep - you don't have to drink as much actual medicinal liquid and it seemed to have a similar effect. I did get stomach cramps and progressively got colder and needed to put on socks and a sweater.
Every little thing set off tears today (and really the last couple days). I am touched at the wishes coming my way but seriously I don't think I can cry another tear. I know I have the best colo-rectal surgeon (the chief, in fact), I know I have a highly recommended anesthesiologist (chairman of the department) and I know I have the most extraordinary nurse (my second Mom) - I know all this but I am still scared. I am scared of the unknown - who will this new me be and how am I really going to feel. I got the kids clothing and overnight stuff together and we drove to Mom's for drop off. It was truly evil hormones - Ellie would look at me and start to cry, I would cry seeing her and Mom would cry looking at both of us. This went on for quite some time - I just couldn't leave Ellie in that state - I wanted her to know I was going to be fine but it was ultra tough to put on that face. Simply, the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with as a Mom. Nick was fine - he gave me a hug and a kiss and told me to move out of his way (I was blocking the tv). One final hug and kiss to Mom and Ellie and I finally made it to the car.
Arriving home I found a little note and a small stone from my friend Christi. It was as if she knew I would need that message when I walked through the doors. More crying as I listened to Jo's message saying she knew everything would be great and she loved me.
I have managed to zone out on facebook for the last couple hours mindlessly playing games and getting miserable scores. I have prepared for the next week, I have a bag of clothes for Rob to bring me when I can wear clothes again, I have a bag of treats for the kids when they visit, I have my mantra written out and my insurance card. I have removed my jewelry and written notes to both Ellie and Nick for when they come home tomorrow. I thank all my family and friends for calling and emailing today and I do really appreciate your love but in light on the whole crying this and just being emotionally drained I will call you back sometime later. As I was sitting on the computer the doorbell rand and it was Christi - more crying. She listened to my bizarre rants in between sobs and I was comforted. Mom called to let me say goodnight to the kids - I was sort of able to hold it together.
Tomorrow by this time I will be cancer free (thinking positive thoughts). I will hopefully be able to sleep - hopefully be zoned out on pain killers that induce sleepiness. I still have to drink 24 ounces at 9 tonight - that should be wonderful for the hopes of sleeping tonight. I have controlled what I can and I am in the best hands and have the most wonderful family and friends. I am practicing my deep breathing and have comfort in the fact that this surgery tomorrow represents 2/3 of my battle with this stupid cancer being done. Visualising my healthy body, a speedy, infection free recovery, being cancer free and the new normal me - whatever that shall be, Tree
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Theresa,
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to imagine how I would be feeling in your position and I think probably much the same as you. Powerless, uncertain, etc. Since I'm not in your position and can be objective I think you've controlled all that you can - cracker jack surgeon, anesthesiologist and nurse, bags packed, treats for the kids, etc, and now you have to have a leap of faith. As trite as it may sound "Let go let God" fits here - you've done your best and now need to have faith that all will be well. As I told Rob today while this is HUGE for you and your family, this is routine for the doctors involved. It's what they do each day. That only covers a week or so of this recovery scenario, but it's a mighty large piece of the puzzle. I think once you can see the kids again or at least talk to them, get reassurance that they are OK and that they love and miss you and can't wait to see you, maybe that will help settle you a bit. In the meantime I hope you're basking in the glow of all the collective love, prayers and positive healing energy coming your way. Embrace it, take it and let it work it's magic. The new normal you wonder about will evolve and soon you'll be back home with Rob and the kids easing back in to your routines. Until then focus on your body becoming cancer free - hopefully in a few hours - and don't get too ahead of yourself.
Keith and I send our love to you and the whole Henderson/Hazard family.
Cindy