I have been sleeping worse and worse as each night passes on - I cannot get the continual filmstrip of images to stop flying by. On occasionally bad nights I can feel my chest heat up and by breathing gets quicker. I woke up this morning without cramps -woohoo! It was great to make Ellie her school lunch again. We walked Ellie to the bus stop and waited with her until the bus came. Nick and I waited around to see if Sally (my social worker) would return my call - which she did at 9:00AM. Sally agreed to meet with me after my Dr. Marsh appointment today. Nick and I went to Mom's and played with Tony for a while before I had to depart to Kellogg.
I got there and checked in and did my sudoku while I waited to be called. Margaret came out and got me - good news I am almost back to pre-chemo weight. Margaret and I spent a long time discussing my current issues - anxiety, nervousness, fear, lack of control... I won't recap it all - I will sum it up with half a box of kleenex, many tears and a couple shudders of breathes. Dr. Marsh doesn't want to explore an anti-depressant at this point because it will take a couple weeks to even know if it is effective and I would need to stop it before surgery. He did double my ativan dose. He also spent a great deal of time trying to emphasize the positives - I have successfully completed the most difficult stage of this process, my last CT scan was great and barring any bizarre pathology he feels I could possibly be cured post surgical. If the pathology shows no active cancer cells than I technically am cured of rectal cancer - the chemotherapy would be preventative. Margaret ended out appointment saying if I still feel the same by the end of the week -I should call her and we would try something else.
Sally came in and we talked for over an hour. I explained that I have general fear of the surgery - it is major surgery. I told her I wasn't happy about the ileostomy bag and that there wasn't a discussion about it. I told her I have fears of the unknowns after the surgery. Sally gave me some very good suggestions of how to stop the snowball thoughts and divert them into distractions. 2 hours of crying later I went to fill my ativan prescription and get back to Mom's.
I ate a sandwich and then Nick and I went to the store to pick up some things for Millietime (girl time tonight and much needed). Ellie got home from school and went over to out neighbors house to swim and play.
The ladies came over and it was just nice to talk to normal friends. I made a pitcher of mojitos and we had such good food to eat. Adie kept saying this was the best Millies ever. The kids kind of went nuts and started dressing up in costume and modeling. About half way through Millies I started to not feel well - cramps were back. I ended up curled up with my hot pad, advil and a bowl of tea. I took the double dose of ativan and although I am actively yawning I am more emotionally exhausted than physically.
We have Showtime for the next month as a freebie and I watch The Big C - not necessarily funny but I think it will get better over the season. I love Laura Linney - if you've never seen it read Armistad Maupin's Tales of the City and then watch the dvds. After a very long day of crying and an laughing - I am exhausted. Visualising my healthy body, Tree
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OK...time to get the Duffy and Laurie Berkner tunes ingrained in your head! Maybe it's time to go through a period of time when you don't have to make any decisions for a few days! We'll go out tomorrow, I'll set Ellie up with a few lunches for the rest of the week, we'll get Nick involved in some creative play, and you and I will read smut for a few afternoons! Wanta come out and play? Love ya, Mom
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