Melancholy kinda

I'll be honest I stay up at night because sleep is hard but I am so tired. We were up early to get Ellie picture ready - I curled her hair and she got dressed in her "picture" outfit - I think back to kindergarten and 1st and 2nd grade remembering what she wore and can't believe how she has grown up. Ironically, I had to give up tea this week before my operation so I have taken up coffee again - only half a cup but wow. I packed Ellie her lunch and got Nick and I dressed and we walked her to the bus. Nick and I hung around here for a bit - he really enjoys the new Dr. Suess show on PBS. We eventually made it to Mom's for our last adventure pre-op - a trip to Target, Michaels and Trader Joe's.
I have gathered a number of small treats for the kids when they visit me at the hospital - stickers, books and craft stuff - I added another couple packs of stickers today. I got my magnesium citrate - I need to drink 2 bottles and at least 5 cups of water tomorrow afternoon to prep for surgery - can't believe I was just able to purchase it over the counter - seems if its that powerful it should have a prescription. Mom picked up Camp Rock 2 for Ellie and the new Thomas for Nick and Tony. Even though today was basically it for food as I know it I really haven't been hungry - I think I have the same mindset as I did with my colonoscopy - the less in the less out.
We decided on Italian for dinner - stuffed shells, chicken meatballs, broccoli and cauliflower and watermelon. We had even more choices for dessert - a chocolate buffet from ice cream sandwiches to peanut butter cups. We picked Ellie up from the bus and Ellie started her homework (hard because its not due until Friday but I thought it would be less chaotic tonight than tomorrow). When Rob came home the kids went outside and were truly a huge laugh. Nick created the neighborhood band - he came in asking for rope to tie his drum around his neck and hang. There were drums, maracas, a guitar and a keyboard - so funny.
Mom and Dad came over for dinner - Mom bought champagne to celebrate the brand new normal me and being healthy and it was quite delicious. We had a real nice family dinner and then Dad gave Nick his bath. Mom and Ellie tried to see what the Camp Rock CD had on it - but we need to download so new update first.
Mom and Dad left and I went up to say goodnight to the kids - I am kinda sad - I know in my heart that everything will be fine but I have seriously never been more than maybe 18 hours without them. I savored their hugs and kids - even butterfly kisses.
I found out great news today - the anesthesiologist that our good friend, Kate recommended will be my anesthesiologist for my surgery. Our good friend Kate will also be my nurse for the surgery - so comforting. The things I am able to control have just increased and just make me so much more confident.
Tomorrow we are going to have the best morning ever - not sure what we are doing yet but I know it will be the best. I start my prep at 1PM - and will find out what time I need to be there Friday.
I was told by Dr. Mendoza-Temple that there is power in collective positive energy - so here is where I need all my family and friends to help me out. If you would please keep your positive energy, prayers, thoughts coming my way in the next couple days and specifically on Friday I would really appreciate it. I will post my surgery time tomorrow and if you would concentrate on that time that would be awesome and if you feel like - say my mantra or think it - visualising my healthy body, my speedy recovery, being cancer free and the new normal me - whatever that shall be, Tree

If only I could have spent the day

Stayed up last night and watched the Showtime Freeview of Nurse Jackie -1st season is now on my netflix. I received an email from Dr. Mendoza Temple with the results of my vitamin D screening and I am deficient - ironic how one test shows I am fine but another shows deficient - modern medicine. Anyhow - she increased my dose from 2000 IU/day to 10,000 (just for the next 8 weeks) and then we will re-test. Dr. Marsh also released all my pre-op blood work - I was very sad to see that my white blood count is the lowest is ever has been - I really thought I would rebound after the chemo and radiation faster.
My "hot flashes" have started - nothing to do with hormones - I had them when I was first diagnosed and now they are back. Ellie woke up before all of us today - she was already downstairs when Rob got ready for work. We got Ellie to the bus and headed to Mom's house. On the ride over Nick wanted to know if I would just be leaving him and driving myself to my appointment because that is what he wanted. I gave him and Tony a kiss and hug and was on my way to a calmer place. Patricia was ready for me when I arrived - we discussed how I am able to sleep better but anxiety is rising still. Patricia inserted as many ear seeds as she could fit - 4 in each ear and then she did my acupuncture - even one on the bridge of my nose for my spirituality. I went somewhere today during that hour I was there - it was a very calm place and I wish I could stay there all week. Patricia came back to check in and then at the end and I really didn't want it to end. We hugged and she said she would be sending positive energy my way.
I had to make a stop at the outpatient lab to give a urine sample - something no one mentioned last week during any of my lab trips. They have a new number system and it took about 30 minutes to get to my number and then the tech told me there wasn't an order for urine. I was told to go to Dr. Lay's office and get an order - such nonsense. Anyhow - they finally gave me a cup and I was on my way - needless to say my zen calm was depleted.
I called Mom to see if she wanted me to bring lunch home and I heard Nick in the background asking for fries. I picked up lunch and headed back to Mom's. The boys had a picnic on the floor and finished watching Chipmunks then it was on to Ponyo. I curled up on the couch and Nick soon joined me and then Tony jumped in back of me - no sleeping but great cuddles. Nick and I went back home to get Ellie and said our goodbyes to Mom and Tony. Ellie came home bubbly - she did her homework and then Nick and her played incredibly well together.
Dean and Rob's Mom were coming over for our last dinner before Mom returns back to Florida tomorrow. The kids were very excited to have them over at our house and showed off a bit. We had a nice dinner together followed by a mini dance recital - it is very funny to me - Nick has never seen Rob dance yet he embodies all of Rob's dance moves - scary. We said our farewells to Dean and Nana and the kids got in the tub for their baths. Ellie has school pictures tomorrow so we did a mini fashion show to see what she would wear - a new short sleeve shirt with little ruffles and floral design with a matching skirt.
Rob is trying to put the kids to bed but they were pretty riled up from all the dancing and it doesn't sound like bedtime is going successfully. Tomorrow is my last eating day until possibly Monday - what am I craving - I think I will need to get a day full of chocolate. I am feeling anxious in a different way - setting everything up for the week I could be gone - getting matching outfits together for the kids. I forgot to schedule a haircut for Nick so that will just be put off a bit longer. I picked up special lunchbox messages for Ellie's lunches while I am in the hospital. I have a couple little treats for them when they come to visit. Visualising my healthy body, a speedy recovery, being cancer free and the new normal me - whatever that shall be, Tree

The best medicine...

This weekend was really all I could have asked for - the best medicine I could have asked for. The ride up on Friday stunk - 4 hours in the car. We stopped about half way for dinner and to stretch our legs. The kids were nuts by the time we pulled in but they were so good in the car = it was only natural to need to let off some energy. Rob did a preliminary bat check and we were good. It was the first weekend all summer we did not need to have the air conditioning on and were able to have windows open. It started to rain heavily just a bit after we got there - I was thankful we had a dry ride.
Saturday was WINDY and chilly. Dean arrived not too soon after we had breakfast. We decided to get out of the house because it wasn't going to be a beach day. We hit Farm and Fleet for some vinegar. Target to see if beach chairs were on clearance - no luck. We decided it was a perfect day to go apple picking at Jollay - and it was the best. We all had a great time - Nick went a little nuts picking and didn't understand why he had to gently place the apples in the basket instead of throwing them in. We picked just over 20 pounds of apples - after all, an apple a day keeps the doctor away - I wish! We went back to the cottage and had lunch. Dean watches the kids so Rob and I could run into town and hit Mendards, Walmart and Dollar Tree (got some new books for the next couple weeks). We had a nice early bbq dinner and Ellie helped me make an appetizer table (one of her requests for the weekend).
The most talked about subject of the last couple months came to fruition on Saturday night - Camp Rock 2 - The Final Jam was on Disney channel. Ellie has seriously been looking forward to this for months. We made it an event - we got the "picnic" blanket out and made popcorn and had special movie theatre candy - even Uncle Dean watched it. Nick fell asleep in my lap - he didn't make it all the way through Camp Rock 2. We all were pooped out - I even went up to bed early.
Sunday we tried a new restaurant for brunch and were so delighted in our choice - they had a buffet brunch and there was truly something for everyone - even crepes. My girlfriend, Julie and I had plans to meet up for the day. Julie and I have been friends since 6th grade - although the majority of the year she lives too far away from me - in the summer we both have weekend houses just over an hour away from each other. We usually we half way at a restaurant but Julie was nice and came to visit me at our place. We took a walk down to the beach and visited for a long time listening to the waves crash on the beach and enjoying the day. We eventually made out way into town for some retail therapy - some of the shops had things we just couldn't pass up. It was awesome to reminisce, talk and laugh - and the best thing was she took Rob up on his offer to stay for dinner.
Simply the best time - and what we all learned from the day was that 3 little words can be all you need to say for so many situations - wow that sucks. You can also just say wow - but the that sucks can be added when needed. Julie did eventually travel home - I understand not wanting to be in Michigan gravel roads in the dark. We all drove into town for the last ice cream indulgence on the summer.
Today was clean up day - the last day at the cottage and we needed to put everything away and un-plug everything. I did laundry and did the beds, Rob and Dean did the big moving and cleaning. We had planned on one more trip to the beach but the sky turned dark and it began to rain. We ended up having lunch and starting our journey home. I really thought we would have another 4 hour ride but despite 2 separate car accidents we made it home in under 3 hours. The kids played for a bit outside and then we ventured over to Mom and Dad's for dinner. We had a nice dinner together - the kids sharing their favorite parts of the weekend. We came home and have the stink-bots their bath - the water was black. Rob did bedtime and I am relaxing on the couch.
The best part of the weekend was not thinking about Friday. I have an acupuncture appointment tomorrow and have to go to the lab for a test they forgot about but other than that a medical free week. Visualising my healthy body, speedy recovery, being cancer free and the new normal me - whatever that shall be, Tree

A much better day

A decent nights sleep - ironically. The rain made the morning darker and Nick slept in - I really wished I could have too. We got our rain gear on and headed to the bus stop. Nick and I relaxed on the couch - I needed the hot pad for a bit. Mom came over to pick us up and we went to pick up the supplements I still needed. We were at the Park Center in Glenview and Nick didn't want to leave - he also didn't understand why he couldn't just jump in the pool - it is a very neat pool. I promised we would come back to swim another day and he finally agreed to leave. We picked up Corner Bakery and were on our way back to our house.
I asked Nick this morning what was making so much noise outside (it was the rain) but Nick thought for a moment and said popcorn (inhaled deeply) but it doesn't smell like popcorn. That began my positive outlook on the day. We had lunch together and Nick is just a nutball - always trying to be a clown. Mom has been hot on these Pandora bracelets and necklaces and brought all her beads and charms with her to make my bracelet today. I am not a huge fan on jewelry - the only thing I wear day in and out are my earrings - I can't remember to put anything else on - the earrings haven't been out in years. My bracelet Mom made me has some specials beads to represent different "stages" and things in my life - she even bought a yellowish brownish one when I jokingly weeks ago told her I would only wear one if she could find a rectal cancer bead. I am now the proud owner of a weight lifting bracelet - when all those beads and charms get loaded on there it is heavy but it does look pretty - thanks Mom.
Nick went into meltdown mode after lunch - he really does need more sleep. My faith in my path led to the lucky fortune on the "crazy Mom" not being at the bus stop today. I had played it out in my head what I might say or do if she was there with her "beliefs" again - but luckily I didn't have to deal with the negative forces today.
Rob came home and the humidity rolled into the house with him - we told the kids to invite the neighbor kids inside it was just too gross out with the rain and humidity. After a couple shrill screams Rob and I decided outside probably wasn't so bad. I ran to Target for some essentials and I took the long way home to play my "kids not in the car" mix on my ipod and I turned it up to the "kids not in the car" volume. Sometimes you just need to rock out.
I came home and Rob had Nick in the bath - Ellie was still outside asking for 5 minutes more. Ellie came in and took her bath and we had dinner - have to empty the fridge out - we are headed to Michigan this weekend to close up for the season. I just took my new supplement/vitamin regime - I am so not accustomed to taking pills anymore - in total the evening regime is 16 pills. I think I might try to spread some to the morning but minimally it would be 12 (granted 10 are the homeopathy balls).
I special thank you goes out to the friends and family who verified my feelings yesterday and today. I will try to blog before we leave tomorrow but otherwise I will on Monday when we return. Visualising my healthy body, a speedy recovery, being cancer free and the new normal me - whatever that shall be, Tree

It has been a crappy day

Slept terribly again last night and even woke up with a bad neck. Ellie was already up and downstairs when Nick and I got up. We did the normal morning routine and as soon as Ellie was off on the bus Nick and I headed to Mom's. I pretty much dropped Nick off and headed to Kellogg - early morning. I met Agnes first and we were able to find an office to be alone in. Agnes showed me the colon-ring that could be used in the research study - smaller than I thought and it is made up of two pieces that twist and lock together inside my colon. There are no risks to the apparatus - well the same risks as the alternative - staples. I signed the consent form and Agnes made a copy for me.
After Agnes I checked in to meet with Jennifer - both looking forward to demystifying this ostomy and dreading my possible meltdown. Just like she did when I spoke with her on the phone, Jennifer made me relax. We went up to her office and on the way we were talking about my family and particularly my kids and I was explaining the support system I have going for Ellie at school and Jennifer looked and me and said she honestly hasn't ever thought of this from that standpoint. Jennifer took her time in explaining the process to me and showing me all the supplies I will need to use. She even found a doll for the kids that has an ostomy under its hospital gown. We laughed - I held back tears but I think I generally got to be as comfortable with the whole idea as I can get. At the conclusion of my appointment she marked me for the ostomy and she was thorough beyond belief - she marked once when I was laying down, once when I stood up, once when I was sitting and finally once when I bent over. She then encompassed all those spots into the circle template that will be my stoma - an ugly looking red "bagel" of skin. I'll be honest, it is a hole bunch lower than I thought it was going to be and I am still not sure of the logistics but I am positive I can get it to work.
I stopped back at Kellogg to get all my blood work done - the phlebotomist there is the best - Gwen. I never bruise and she can always locate my rolling vein without pain - today was no exception. Gwen took about 6 vials of blood and I was on my way. I went back to Mom's and we had lunch. Nick played with blocks and zoned out while Mom and I went online to do some research on my supplement shopping list from yesterday. Nick and I came home to get Ellie and I noticed something must be attracting the ants to our front porch - they were swarming the front door area - yuck.
When I walked to the bus stop I was met by a negative force - another Mom who felt the need to push her beliefs on me. I have made it through a stage III cancer diagnosis, radiation, chemotherapy - all the huge ups and downs these past few months without soliciting others beliefs and I am just so very pissed off that this woman kind of attacked me today. The general gist for those who might have seen Where the Heart Is (about 10 years ago with Natalie Portman living in Walmart and having her baby there) its like the couple that keeps coming around from Mississippi to offer their beliefs. Basically, Satan is living in me - encompassed in my tumor and cancer - blah, blah, blah - I am really pissed off. Faith or spirituality aren't things I discuss at a bus stop with someone I casually talk to for 2 minutes a day - and what gives anyone the right to question that what I believe is wrong - I have made it this far without troubling you for your sympathies - I manage to get up each morning and give it my all even though some days I get up thinking this sucks.
It unfortunately did not end at the bus stop - low and behold I was outside playing with the kids when she walked over some sermons and literature to a 10 day spiritual healing - and what do you know I have 10 days until surgery. It really took all I had not to hurl it into the street and scream. Thus facebook rants - thanks for listening. I came inside and cried - all this healing I am trying to do - trying to find my happy place - trying to ground my snowball thoughts - she really messed with me.
Mom and Dad came over for dinner and I enjoyed a nice fresh fruit salad - Jennifer told me raw fruit in moderation will be okay with the ileostomy - which was so great to hear. I am practicing my deep breathing while blogging and my Mom reminded me to insert some pressure to the centering and grounding ear seeds. Visualising my healthy body, a speedy recovery, being cancer free and believing in the new normal me - whatever it shall be, Tree

Doctor Tuesday

I stayed up watching bad tv again - and when I finally went to bed I couldn't get comfortable. We were all up early - usual morning activity around here. We got Ellie to the bus and then headed over to Mom's. I thought an art project or two might be fun with the boys - I packed dot markers and finger paints. We did our projects outside and the boys were predictable in their approaches - Nick heavy handed and Tony particular about their dots and both went completely nuts with the finger paints - all in all the projects came out well though. I got the hose out and we washed up as much as we could.
We made lunch and put in Willy Wonka for the afternoon movie. I left for my doctor visits and got many hugs and kisses goodbye. My first appointment was with Dr. Mendoza Temple - talk about an entirely different setting. I was offered tea when I was brought in for my vitals. My weight is holding steady and my blood pressure was 90/60. I was introduced to Dr. Mendoza Temple and we promptly got into my issues. She is a lovely lady but I guess I was thinking I was getting something more than a shopping list or supplements and herbs/minerals from the visit. She addressed what i should begin today and then what I should begin after I can eat normally again. I should start arnica montana, staphysagria, vitamin C, Vitamin D and proboulardi tomorrow and then add mushroom extract and tumeric post surgery. I understand that each of these have properties that can assist in a certain aspect - I am just not 100% convinced they are going to help me get through this any swifter or speedier.
I then saw Patricia for another session of acupuncture - this has quickly become something I look forward to. Patricia inserted new ear seeds - I was told they are actually mustard seeds today and there is no significance to the seed itself it is simply its shape and size. In addition to all the spots she treated last week she added a spot behind my ears - for sleep. I honestly could have fallen asleep on the table today - I kept yawning and was so in another place it was quite nice.
I stopped at the Wellness Shop to kind of check out prices for the supplements and then I decided to comparison shop at Whole Foods and pick up some dinner. I got to tell you - I am not so impressed with the Northbrook store at dinner time - a serious lack of samples. The guy in the "medicine" section did assist me with my shopping - the one probiotic is only available through a pharmacy or doctor office - I picked up the arnica and the staphysagria. I had my dinner and then was on my way to the last appointment of the day - Dr. Lay for my pre-op physical.
I kid you not my appointment start to finish with the doctor was 4.5 minutes. He looked at my eyes, my tonsils, tapped my stomach and back, pushed in on my sides and listened to me breathe - that is it! I went to the lab and had my nose swabbed for staph presence and I will have all my blood work done tomorrow at Kellogg. Rob kept sending me pictures of the kids - some priceless. I am so thrilled we have neighbors who have children and they all get along - regardless of age or sex.
I got home just a couple minutes before Rob and the kids did - he took them out to dinner. I started baths and got them ready for bed. I had mentioned to Rob that the shower drain has been slow and he found the culprit and took care of it - about a 12" snake of my hair - I guess I did have hair thinning from the chemo I just have so much hair it wasn't noticeable.
Another medical day tomorrow - I am hoping to keep the positive though wave going. New mantra: visualising my healthy body, a speedy recovery, being cancer free and a new normal me - whatever that shall be, Tree

Playdate Monday

I stayed up watching bad cable until my eyes were burning last night but it yielded a good nights sleep. Nick was up first this morning and he nicely woke Ellie up. We had breakfast and I got the kids dressed, made lunch and snack and did some laundry before walking Ellie to the bus. I went to put away laundry and realized I hadn't been through Nick's dresser in a while (nesting) and took apart his dresser and bins and weeded out all the things that were too small for him. It is sad to see some of my favorite things in the donation pile but everything in his drawers fit him now. We went to Mom's for a little while to play with Tony but we had a play date with Nick's girlfriend, Su'nana today.
We got home and I started making lunch and not too much later Christi and Su'nana arrived. We have really missed out play dates and we were both pretty excited to have one today. The kids played real well together - even did some art downstairs and Christi and I actually got to talk. They stayed until bus time and we walked out to get Ellie - she was holding a piece of paper in front of me saying, "can I, can I, can I please?" It was a form to enroll her for Girls on the Run - a program for 3rd - 8th grade girls that works of positive self image and esteem as well as friendships and well, running. I had my concerns but after a quick email exchange all my concerns were worked out. Ms. Doolas (the social worker at the school) puts me at so much ease - the way she told me about Ellie's face in the classroom today was what I picture Ralphie's face like in Christmas Story when he is thinking about the Red Ryder BB gun.
Since I don't have too much else to share today I wanted to quickly address acupuncture - it doesn't hurt anymore than when a mosquito bites you. Patricia told me 12 acupuncture needles are the same size as 1 typical medical needle. I took my ear seeds out today - well they sort of fell out after my shampoo. Those, initially, felt very similar to when its freezing outside and your ears get throbby but that wore off in a few hours. I have to say I am calm - I was able to hold a discussion about my surgery (and even the stupid bag) without tearing up and full fledged crying today - a huge step. This is my page long appointment week - tomorrow I see Dr. Mendoz Temple, Patricia and Dr. Lay and then Wednesday I meet with Agnes (the research assistant) and Jennifer (the ostomy nurse) and I get all my pre-op blood work done. Visualising my healthy body, Tree