Arrgghhhh!

I really wanted this post to take on a more positive flavor...sorry, wish it could be so! I was optimistic this morning. Theresa had posted on facebook that she had ordered oatmeal and yogurt for breakfast. WOW...real food! Called her to find out how breakfast was and she told me she wasn't able to keep it down. OK, maybe it was just too much at one time after days of water and tea. I told her I was keeping Nick this morning so that Rob could come up and have some one-on-one time with her. That I would be up this afternoon for that much needed shampoo. She told me she had already made plans to take a shower and shampoo her own hair. The catheter was gone and the nurses were going to help her make it happen. Great! Rob went up and they had a nice visit. He told me she was just so relaxed, and clean! We had lunch when he got back here and he was very upbeat about Tree's progress. She had ordered soup and ice cream for lunch. I called before leaving to find out if she needed anything...she was throwing up lunch. We had our appointment with the ostomy nurse, Jennifer, at 3:00. Maybe I could just get her sipping hot tea again. When I got to her room an old friend, Terese, was visiting. She's a home care nurse and had seen Theresa's name on the board and kind of freaked. I was amazed at how great my Theresa looked. Good color, back to her pleasant smile and getting in and out of bed on her own to pee. Now I haven't been excited about Theresa peeing on the potty since she was 2 years old...I have to tell you, I did do the pee pee dance for her today. We were all surprised when one of the docs came in to tell Theresa that they were going to send her down for a stomach x-ray just to rule out any problem that could be causing the vomiting. Back to nothing by mouth except ice chips. Arrgghhh! Terese left when the ostomy nurse arrived. We had a very productive learning session. I'll go back Friday afternoon for one more session. Theresa was taking care of her own needs all day...she really hit so many milestones today, I hated to see this stomach thing set her back. I stayed with her until almost 6:00 and knew that Joanna would be stopping by. It's Wednesday and that means dinner at the Henderson house for us. Rob had all of the fixings for banana splits and Gary supplied the broasted chicken. We had a nice meal together. After dinner, I helped Ellie finish her Spelling homework and Gary took Nick upstairs for some quality train time. Rob had clean up duty. Theresa called in her good nights to the kids, we shared our hugs and kisses and departed. Theresa posted on FB that she was back from x-ray and I called her to find out how things were going. She didn't know anything yet...still nothing by mouth. She did get an order for Ativan tonight and we have high hopes that she'll sleep. A doc came in and she said she'd call me back. She did. I heard the sadness in her voice as she told me there is an obstruction in her stomach and they were considering inserting a NG (naso-gastric) tube, and if they did, they'd probably have to replace the catheter too. NO! Again someone came in and she told me she'd call me back. So, as of 8:45 this evening, they are going to watch Theresa overnight. If she vomits again they'll insert the tube. She is to continue nothing by mouth. They may do more x-rays or a scan in the morning. Quite honestly, if there is a problem, let's fix it and get this girl out of there. She was looking forward to her shot of Heparin so that she could get her Ativan and try to fall asleep. I told her tomorrow is another day. We'll move forward and do what we have to do in the name of progress. I'm still hoping for that one normal healing day of recovery for her...you can hope for that, too. There were some very good, positive things that went right today, hopefully tomorrow will bring more of the same.

In closing I ask you to join me in visualizing Theresa's healthy body(with a tummy full of good, nutritious food that she can keep down), a smoother road to recovery (we'll keep repaving that bumpy one she's been on), and a new happy, normal Theresa whoever that may be. Thanks. Paula

P.S. For those of you keeping track, the surgeon was able to use the colon ring in Theresa's surgery. Although approved by the FDA, it's still in trial runs. It is supposed to make for better healing. Let's hope.

Can this kid catch a break?

I was hoping to at least give you a few quotes from Theresa in this post....maybe tomorrow. I had all of my "trick bag" packed for Theresa and called her to ask if there was anything she wanted. This very faint munchkin voice said no. She told me she was having muscle problems. I asked where and she said in her mouth. I told her I'd be right over. Driving in the car I began imagining all kinds of things. The Joker from Batman, Jim Carey in The Mask, John Travolta in Old Dogs...odd no women have had frozen faces! Much to my relief, Theresa looked pretty good when I walked in her room; not scary. I quickly realized how tightly her jaw was clenched. The nurse told me her feet had curled and her shoulders pulled up before the Benedryl. They believe she had a reaction to the Compazine they gave her for nausea. This is apparently a possible side effect, but one Doctor told us although they studied this in med school, she had never seen anything like this. So, I unpacked my trick bag itemizing each item. We agreed that today was not the day to attempt the shampoo. I finally gave her that big hug and began her head, jaw, ear, face massages. Since my armpits were right in her space, I felt bad that today was the day to try the new powder fresh antiperspirant...it's strong and a little obnoxious. She said the massage felt really good so I just kept it coming. I had stopped at Starbucks to give her iced green tea yet another try. Today she bit on the bait. Although the Benedryl worked from the neck down, she really seemed uncomfortable and stressed from the neck up. Many doctors and nurses came to see her. Probably wanted to see the reaction they only read about in textbooks. One of Dr. Muldoon's associates came in with some optimistic thoughts for tomorrow. Foley out, better food, more moving around...all sounded good, but let's fix this girl's face. They had several calls out to see what ideas other departments had. Being inspired, I asked Tree if she wanted to go walking. We did. She may think she's slow, but she was moving right along in that corridor. Unfortunately, as we got to the nurse's station, the smell of cooked food started her tummy rolling. We managed to get to the door of her room before she vomited. I got her in her chair, cleaned up what missed her basin and wiped her face with a warm cloth. I could feel the tightness was back big time in her jaw. We were still hours away from her next dose of Benedryl. We went back to massage. Tree was eventually helped back into bed. The IV nurse came in to move her IV. Nice, gentle...Tree didn't flinch, but then again, maybe when your jaw is locked, you can't flinch. She told Tree that she was hoping she wouldn't have to come back...aren't we all? Shifts changed, new nurses came on deck, and the massage continued. Rob brought the kids up after Ellie finished her first day of "Girls on the Run" at school. Thanks to everyone who helped it all go smoothly for Ellie, and Rob. Rob took the car in to get the brakes worked on today, and good friend, Cindy, carted him around to get groceries and supplies. There was mention of Nick getting a good look over by Morton Grove paramedics in the produce market, something about them being in the right place as the cart tipped over on Nick, but in light of Theresa's already tense situation, I thought it best we didn't elaborate too much. The nurse came in and told us that instead of Benadryl, neurology had recommended Cogentin. It's commonly used for Parkinson's Disease, but it is used off label in situations like this. BRING IT ON! About 5:45 Theresa got the med through her new IV. The nurse said if it was going to work it would happen fairly quickly. IT DID. In roughly 5 minutes, Theresa told us she could feel it working. In her words....Woohoo! She started smiling. Her smile, her beautiful smile. The frozen face was gone. The original Dr. who told us she had never seen anything like this stopped back in to see Tree. Like us, she was greatly relieved. She said with Theresa's sensitivity to so many drugs she had been hesitant, but was so happy it worked. On her way out, she reminded Theresa to never try Compazine again...no problem! There were kisses all around and we left Tree at about 6:30, her face still beautiful! The kids wanted me to drive them home; I complied. Gary beat me home. He told me Theresa called and sounded like her old self. I called her back, yes she was still fine. Dr. Muldoon had stopped in to see her. She wanted me to add this to our post for today. (For those of you who actually read this through, you do get a quote from Theresa.) "Dr. Muldoon removed 42 lymph nodes, 7 appeared questionable. The radiation did indeed shrink the tumor." Tree said he told her he just took all of the nodes because there was no reason to leave them there to just cause problems in the future. A good friend, Adie, had stopped by for a visit, so I wished her a good night and sweet dreams. Hopefully tomorrow will be a problem free day for good healing and recovery. It's about time she got a break!

I ask you to join me in visualizing Theresa's healthy, relaxed body, a smooth recovery, and a new happy, normal Theresa, whoever that might be. Thanks! Paula

She's Got the 4th Day Hospital Blues

Hello again. No apologies...I'm doing this as long as I have to. I went to bed last night with a very heavy heart. Theresa is in the hospital and I trust that day by day she is improving and feeling stronger. Yesterday was a big set back for Tree. I had an appointment this morning with Theresa's ostomy nurse, Jennifer. I was supposed to go and learn the ropes to help Tree out. After having a very heartfelt conversation with my dear friend Jamee (I always feel very at ease and somehow more sane after our chats), I headed over to the hospital. Theresa was in the bathroom giving herself a little sponge bath and brushing her teeth. Good sign, I think. I watched her settle into her recliner. Instant all over leg and body shakes. Hmmmm. The nurse brought her a heated blanket, I rubbed her shoulders and her body calmed. She stopped vomiting at about 1:00 am, they changed her pain medication to Toradol, and replaced the catheter. We opened the room shades and I noticed that her color really was very good. She actually smiled at a few of my attempts at humor. We uncluttered her tray; it was too full for her. I noticed she seemed very tired. After a day and night like yesterday, I get it. Her clear liquid diet was restored, but she doesn't want a repeat of the flavors she's been throwing up...we've all been there. There's a reason I don't drink Chardonnay anymore! She told me that the new medication was OK, and she still had the ability to pump the old Dilaudid if she really needed it. Jennifer came in at 11:30 and she felt so very bad that Theresa had her weekend set back. She too had hoped that Tree would just have a breeze through post op, but these things do happen. We chatted for a bit and Jennifer told Tree we didn't have to do this today if she didn't want to...Theresa agreed and feel asleep. Jennifer and I quietly chatted at length about our Alma mater, St. Scholastica. She was a year ahead of me. I really like Jennifer. She has an easy smile and a great demeanor. She has the personality that will get Tree through the nitty gritty mechanics of this dreaded ostomy stuff...me, too. Very easy going, low key, I think she will be very helpful to Tree. I gently awakened Tree to tell her I was going to go so she could get some decent sleep, we kissed goodbye and I was off. Not quite. Another friend, Pat, one of the Millies, had an appointment at the hospital and had stopped by to see Theresa. Tree acknowledged her, but fell back to sleep. So Pat and I went to a sitting area and chatted over some iced tea. My friends are protecting my sanity! We talked until it was time for her appointment and then I came home. I talked to Rob...things seem to be going OK on the home front. He said he planned to take the kids over to see Tree after homework. I suggested that he take a Starbucks iced green tea for Tree. It's a long time favorite. He called me after the very brief visit. Tree didn't want the tea, was in bed and very tired. Hmmmm. He had dinner planned in his head so I know they were going to be fine tonight. It was my girl that I was concerned about. Was the new drug too good, or was she just blue? I say just blue...she has every reason to be big time blue. Jo called her after work and she was quick with Jo. I called her and she told me that she is fully off the Dilaudid. She had pumped it this afternoon and promptly threw up. She was feeling nauseated and I told her I'd call her back. So now I'm thinking that in combination with all of the crazy stuff that happened to her this weekend, Theresa is down. I think it must feel a little like incarceration for her right now. The only thing she really has control over is sleep. So, I called back and she was a little lighter in tone. I told her I'd pick up some of this powdered shampoo I read about...she wasn't thrilled. We agreed that maybe she'll let me help her wash her hair tomorrow. When I'm sick, that 1st shower and shampoo always make me feel like a million bucks! So, that's my morning goal. She told me that Uncle Bill had stopped by for a visit, I'm not sure how receptive she was. Kate stopped in before she started her shift at 2:00 and just felt she was tired. So here's hoping that a good night's rest will make all the difference for Theresa. I have a few things to take tomorrow that I hope will ease some of the boredom. I have some aromatherapy shampoo to try. Other than that, I'm out of tricks. I'm going to put on my happy mommy face and go in there in the morning and make some serious attempts at making my girl happier.

In closing, please join me in visualizing Theresa's healthy body, her safe and complete recovery, and a HAPPY new normal Theresa whoever that may be. Thanks! Paula

Dragonflies and Drugs

Yes, sorry to disappoint you, but I'm back once again. I'm starting early tonight because I'm mentally and emotionally fried. I hear a glass of wine calling my name...

The day started out perfectly. A nice breeze, sunshine and a facebook post from Theresa saying she was truly excited about starting clear liquids. Couldn't believe she was typing away on that little itouch with her swollen little fingers. She told me she was single finger typing with her left pointer and it took about 10 minutes to do a sentence. Dedication! Also a sign for me that she was craving connection again. It was a day for connection. Rob took the kids up after Church and they had a great visit. Gary's Mom & Dad, Grandma & Grampa GG, stopped in to see how things were going. Dean came by and so did Kate. Theresa made 3 loops around the corridor today and her catheter was removed. She really enjoyed her cherry ice. Rob and the kids came by here at 4:30 for Sunday dinner. My neighbor and good friend Katherine supplied the entree...thank you very much. Ellie helped me with the sides and fruit. Jo, Ole and Tony couldn't be with us and although we enjoy these meals together, Ellie hit it right on the head when she announced that Sunday dinner just wasn't the same without Mama. Theresa and Jo are my wing girls on Sundays...really always, if truth be told. I really missed them today. Just before dinner was ready Ellie came running into the kitchen to rush me out to the yard...hurry...you've got to see this! I figured Nick was doing something funny again. I walked out onto the deck to behold something I have never seen in my life...hundreds of dragonflies swarming our backyard. Not the yard to the East; not the yard to the West; our backyard. Mesmerizing, fascinating, beautiful! After Rob left with the kids, I googled the symbolism of dragonflies. The dragonfly is considered to be a messenger connected with renewal, positive force and the power of life in general. In my heart I believe those dragonflies were here for Theresa. For her new healthy body and positive change in becoming the new, happy normal girl whoever she may be. Whimsical, but I like the thought. I called after my research to ask if there was anything she wanted us to bring when we saw her tonight. A faint little voice answered the phone. She had been vomiting through the late afternoon and evening. She had been restricted to ice chips once again. So we were told to just come....no supplies. We headed over to find her in a dark room, basin on her chest, cool cloth on her head and tears in her eyes. I rubbed her feet. She said they had given her anti-nausea drugs and she was pumping her pain meds freely. Maybe she tried too much today. Maybe the broth and cherry ice just went down too fast. She's not a happy camper. They will probably replace the catheter. She said something about having a stomach scan, but she wasn't in a conversational mood and I know better than to push. I gave her a head and temple massage, I felt like I was taking care of my little, little girl again. We kissed goodnight. We told her to rest...sleep, if possible, and I will see her in the morning. I called Rob on the way out to catch him up on the events of the evening and to tell him that Theresa wouldn't be calling in her good nights to the kids. We agreed to tell them that I put her to sleep massaging her feet and we didn't want to wake her up. Hoped that worked...Ellie does read between the lines! I cried on the way home. There is nothing we can physically do. All we can do is trust in her doctors and nurses and keep her in our thoughts and prayers.

So, in closing, maybe we should not be focusing so much on a speedy recovery, but a complete, easy recovery. Her body is working so hard! Please join me in visualizing Theresa's healthy body, a safe, complete recovery, and a new happy, normal Theresa whoever that may be. Paula

PG- Parental Guidance; Not!

I'm back. Not that Theresa read my entry from yesterday and thinks I'm doing an OK job, but because she wants an entry and can't do it herself yet. It's one of the few things I can do for her right now. I'm scrambling, looking for something to make her feel better, and I can't even give her the big hug I know we both need because I know it will hurt her. We saw her tonight and she looks so much better than yesterday. Her room's temp has been adjusted several times and seems more comfortable. They gave her an ice pack for her neck to keep her cooler. Her dosage on the pain meds has been increased. She was sipping ice water and sucking on ice chips. Her arms are pretty bruised and her hands are swollen, but she is my beautiful girl. Quiet grace and dignity even in this surreal situation. She really does look and seem more peaceful today. I know she saw Ellie and Nick this afternoon and I think that eased her heart. She was out of bed and walking this afternoon and then spent some time in a chair. She says she's very slow; I think it's remarkable that she got around as much as she did today. I'm glad Kate was with her last night. That whole idea of being alone and in pain is so hard for me...I'm relieved she had human warmth for that long 1st night. There has been talk of Tree being released midweek. I know she would be out of there tomorrow if she could. Let's keep those thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery going.

We raised both of the girls to be strong, independent women. I've watched them work through very difficult situations. I watched both of them give birth. I can tell you they are very strong women. A few days ago Tree said she was scared of the unknown. Aren't we all? I guess the thing is not to have fear. Theresa really worked to educate herself, and us, on every aspect of this disease and treatment. Knowledge is power. But there are those elements that we just can't prepare for, the unknown...that's the scary part. At some point you just have to take that big leap of faith and hope it all works out. Theresa took that leap yesterday and I hope that minute by minute she finds things to be a little more controllable and a little less scary. As parents we comfort, protect, and shelter, but I'm finding I'm so deficient in my ability to do that right now. I guess this is where I count on Theresa to remain strong. We'll be there to offer support, love and whatever is within our capabilities, but we ultimately count on her strength. So maybe you can add some extra thoughts and prayers to help keep Tree strong.

As for the kids...they spent the day with Uncle Dean. They went to the Lincoln Park Zoo and the Shedd Aquarium. Theresa has a great photo of the three of them at the Shedd on her windowsill. They all look happy...OK, Nick is sticking his tongue out, but that seems to be one of his new happy, crazy looks! Rob took them up to see Tree this afternoon. She said they both took their time taking in all of the surroundings. Nick was partial to the buttons of course. Rob was concerned that Ellie didn't seem to connect with Theresa. I'm not concerned. I think it's her strength. Her self protection. They're going to Church in the morning and will get to see Tree afterwards. I hope it's a little more relaxed for all of them.

I'm up much later than Theresa, so for those of you who read her blog right after the nightly news, I'm sorry. I'm closing this post asking you to join me in visualizing Theresa's healthy body, speedy recovery, and a new happy, normal Theresa, whatever that may be. Paula

Guest Blogger...she trusts me!

Tonight I have the task of blogging for a very strong, smart young woman that I have the honor of calling my daughter, Theresa. We always hope that people trust us. Tonight I wish Theresa didn't trust me quite this much. Sitting here trying to put this blog together in my head, I realize she has been doing this for almost 5 months. Incredible! She's managed to post almost every night...through pain, nausea, fatigue, and anger; she sits at her computer every night and takes us along on her day's journey. She always keeps that little edge of lightness to her posts. I am amazed. She asked me to write this post for her this evening because she was worried she'd be too loopy to do it herself. I'm here to tell you that I do believe she would have done a fine job of this herself. Gary and I went up to the hospital to see her this evening. I needed to see her. All day long I felt like a mother hen running around trying to protect her chicks, but one was missing. Theresa looks remarkable. Tired, yes. There was that little quiver in her chin that both of my girls get when they try to keep the inevitable tears at bay. But she kept it together. She was warm...the room was hot. Maintenance had to come to do an adjustment. I got her a cool cloth and it helped. She was very dry and was still unable to have anything by mouth...even ice chips. I brought her some lip balm and she did use it. She showed me her incisions and I am truly amazed at how small the incisions are. The actual tissue removal was done by robotic arms, Da Vinci, ironically. Perhaps it was given an artists name because it does such precision work and still leaves the patient looking like a work of art? Although she is controlling her own pain meds and is doing so easily, she was lucid and true to form, in possession of her sense of humor. We did promise not to make her laugh...she is quite tender, and the laughter although welcome, does not make her happy. My friend Kate, a long time nurse at ENH, was Theresa's nurse this morning and she is going back to the hospital tonight to sleep over with Theresa. She has eased my heart and soul, and I know she has done wonders for Tree's psyche. How do I begin to thank all of Tree's followers and supporters? I keep telling her that what you put out there in life is what comes back to you. She is a wonderful person and I am so proud to call her my daughter. So thank you all...please keep thinking positive thoughts, praying and do check in on her...this is a very lonely road she's been walking down!

Theresa always fills you in on family stuff....like I said, amazing she does this every night! The kids were with us last night. It was a very tearful good bye. After Rob and Theresa left, we had dinner, got ready for bed, and watched a portion of Camp Rock 2...part of Ellie's list of things to do since she knew they would be staying over! After several books and songs, Ellie requested a sleep mask. I truly didn't even think I had one, but she knew just where it was, and it did seem to help her relax. Nick took a little longer to fall out, but they both ended up in their beds until morning. Nick was last up and loudly announced that the sun was in the windows and it was telling him it was time to be up! Gary made pancakes; Ellie added the chocolate chips. Tony and Jo arrived just in time to join in. Ellie got herself dressed and I made her snack. Jo took her to school. We had included Tree's mantra for healing in bedtime prayers last night and said it together throughout the morning. Ellie calls it Mama's poem and is pleased that she's helping to make her Mom stronger. Nick is just along for the ride, but he does go along with us. It is so wonderful that Theresa has such wonderful support at Ellie's school. The classroom teacher, our beloved Mrs. Bart, and the very dear Social worker, Ms. Dullas (sp?), had so many options ready for Ellie today if the work in the classroom proved too tricky today. Again, I am so touched and warmed by people's kindnesses. Jo and Gary took the boys out to the park and for a ride while i stayed home to man the phone. Rob and Kate called in regularly with updates, and much to our relief, they were all very positive and promising. We were all back here for lunch and play until it was time to leave to get Ellie from the bus. Rob called around 1:15 to tell us that Tree was out of surgery and that ultimately, all had gone as planned. We got Ellie from the bus and waited for Rob to get home to take the kids to the Union picnic. Theresa had left notes for the kids on the table...she thought of everything! Ellie was very proud to tell me that she stayed with her class all day and did a great job. I told her how proud I was, and how happy it would make Mom to know she did her best.

So, I now see how once you start typing it just keeps coming. Sorry if I ran on too long. Theresa will have to share her own feelings, mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual, with you as she can sit up and have a few lines removed from her arms. In closing I ask that along with me you visualize Theresa's healthy body, cancer free; speedy recovery, infection free; and a new happy, normal Theresa, whatever that may be! Thanks! Paula

I think my tear ducts are dead

Rob stayed up with me last night and watched the first couple episodes of Nurse Jackie - we both went up to bed together knowing it was a long day ahead. We had no clear plans for out family morning just that it was going to be just that - our family morning. We started by heading to Glenview for a breakfast at Egg Harbor. Technically, breakfast was the last meal I could eat before surgery tomorrow but I had the mind frame - the less in the less out. The kids had rainbow pancakes, Rob had blueberry pancakes and I had a yogurt parfait. We had a nice breakfast together. On the ride I got a call from Dr. Szokol (my anesthesiologist) and he eased some nerves - saying my ear seeds can stay in and that he would indeed read my mantra to me. We went over my anesthesia history (twilight from the colonoscopy and ultrasound and epidural from labor) and he said he'd see me tomorrow morning.
We left breakfast and I took Rob and the kids to Park Center to see the pool - now everyone is equally interested and it will be a destination sometime. We stopped at Costco for zyrtec and coffee - some essential things in this household. We went to our favorite park and the kids played so well together. I sat on the bench and really debated putting my feet up and going to sleep - the sun was super warming and it just felt good. On our way to another park we found that one of our favorite thrift stores had re-opened for the fall and we lucked out on some good finds. Our final park was the newly renovated one at Oakton Park and I have to say it is a really cool park. Ellie was familiar with from camp but it was Nick's first time there and he had a ball - presented new challenges.
We came home and I began my prep - the magnesium citrate tasted gross - like salty seltzer water with clorox wipe flavored lemon - yuck. I drank my glass and quickly followed it with water. I got the call from the hospital giving me my time for the morning - 6 AM and going through all the can and can't for the next 18 hours. Rob played with the kids in the basement while I hung out on the couch reading my newly delivered book - Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster (timely delivery). I did some laundry, read some of the book, visited with the kids, set up the wii to stream netflix - then it was time for the 2nd glass or yuck. Honestly, I would much prefer this prep to the colonoscopy prep - you don't have to drink as much actual medicinal liquid and it seemed to have a similar effect. I did get stomach cramps and progressively got colder and needed to put on socks and a sweater.
Every little thing set off tears today (and really the last couple days). I am touched at the wishes coming my way but seriously I don't think I can cry another tear. I know I have the best colo-rectal surgeon (the chief, in fact), I know I have a highly recommended anesthesiologist (chairman of the department) and I know I have the most extraordinary nurse (my second Mom) - I know all this but I am still scared. I am scared of the unknown - who will this new me be and how am I really going to feel. I got the kids clothing and overnight stuff together and we drove to Mom's for drop off. It was truly evil hormones - Ellie would look at me and start to cry, I would cry seeing her and Mom would cry looking at both of us. This went on for quite some time - I just couldn't leave Ellie in that state - I wanted her to know I was going to be fine but it was ultra tough to put on that face. Simply, the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with as a Mom. Nick was fine - he gave me a hug and a kiss and told me to move out of his way (I was blocking the tv). One final hug and kiss to Mom and Ellie and I finally made it to the car.
Arriving home I found a little note and a small stone from my friend Christi. It was as if she knew I would need that message when I walked through the doors. More crying as I listened to Jo's message saying she knew everything would be great and she loved me.
I have managed to zone out on facebook for the last couple hours mindlessly playing games and getting miserable scores. I have prepared for the next week, I have a bag of clothes for Rob to bring me when I can wear clothes again, I have a bag of treats for the kids when they visit, I have my mantra written out and my insurance card. I have removed my jewelry and written notes to both Ellie and Nick for when they come home tomorrow. I thank all my family and friends for calling and emailing today and I do really appreciate your love but in light on the whole crying this and just being emotionally drained I will call you back sometime later. As I was sitting on the computer the doorbell rand and it was Christi - more crying. She listened to my bizarre rants in between sobs and I was comforted. Mom called to let me say goodnight to the kids - I was sort of able to hold it together.
Tomorrow by this time I will be cancer free (thinking positive thoughts). I will hopefully be able to sleep - hopefully be zoned out on pain killers that induce sleepiness. I still have to drink 24 ounces at 9 tonight - that should be wonderful for the hopes of sleeping tonight. I have controlled what I can and I am in the best hands and have the most wonderful family and friends. I am practicing my deep breathing and have comfort in the fact that this surgery tomorrow represents 2/3 of my battle with this stupid cancer being done. Visualising my healthy body, a speedy, infection free recovery, being cancer free and the new normal me - whatever that shall be, Tree